What you go through when the one that got away gets married

It can be devastating to discover that you - the king pin in training - through the divine machinations of life, has missed out on the one. You always hoped, or prayed that when all was said and done, you'd end up together. You put a loose calendar on it. You thought, "Fine! We couldn't work out when we were 13 or 14 or 15 or 16 but one day, when I've got all my ducks in a row, I'll return like the prodigal lover that I am and win them over.

You watched their life from the distance. Tracked their relationships and their friends, all in preparation for your grand return. All the people in between were jokes. They'd be blown out of the water the moment you appeared outside her window, with a juke box of the first mix-tape, or CD you cut in their honour.

But, because people very rarely put their lives on suspension for your sake, it is likely that they won't be the one you end up with. You'll be like me, standing with a video camera and head phones in your ears at comic con, while "the one" walks down the aisle.

This is how you will feel.


Shock!

I have no words for this. 



Confusion

"What just happened? I don't understand. I can't! I just can't!


Denial!

"Oh my God! This isn't happening! This can't be happening. It's a joke the universe is playing on me."




Panic!

Must stop wedding. Must stop wedding! 


Your holiness, Objection!


I have a knife. 


Anger!


If you'd thought it'd be that easy to steal my bae, think again.  


Depression


I'm going to be single forever. There's no one else for me out there. 



More Depression

Life, why did you have to be so cruel?


Anger Again


Damn you all! But damn me most of all!

Grudging selflessness

I wish the both of you the best. 


Acceptance


It's time to resume the daily struggle that is singledom. 



So fear not fellow Troam-by-Afam reader, you're not alone. After you've been through this once, there's really no need to go through it again. If there is a one that's got away from you still enjoying the single life, you should consider making some moves.

Happy Days,
Afam



The Dangers of Wearing Suspenders/Braces: A Picture Story

I realise that this blog isn't really built for fashion blogging and all the things that come with it. I also realise that I am not your ideal fashion blogger for reasons that I shall list below.
  • I'm far too short and unhandsome to be anything that closely resembles a model. 
  • I've got into this bad habit of pin rolling my trousers. 
  • I have the posture of a 90 year old slave. 
Even with all of these constraints, I find that I must take pictures of myself in the unlikeliest of positions while I tell myself the following. 
  • Raise chin! No! Lower chin by the slightest degree. 
  • Chest out. Tummy in. Clench buttocks. 
  • Be sure to talk all the way through it. You are completely incapable of striking a half decent pose. 
All of this is in preparation for a watch that I'm somewhat contractually bound to blog about. If you're good enough to send me a product because of theramblingsofamadman-afam.com then I'll do you the good honour of telling everyone what I think of it. . And so we begin. This is a moment in the life of an International Journalism Masters Student at City University London.

I was walking around the journalism department in a Uniqlo white thermal tee, Hawes and Curtis suspenders/braces, American Apparel trousers, and my ever reliable and foot destroying Russel and Bromley tasseled loafers. They've given me blisters at my ankles and corns on my toes, but there's nothing I won't do for the extra inch that their hard sole provides.

I walk around like so when my brain gets hot, and my eyes start to sting from looking at a computer screen. 
That was when one of my course mates asked if she could have a little fun at my expense and yank my suspenders. They didn't know what they were in for. I was wound as tightly as a cork and looking for an excuse to act my shoe size. 

 "So you mean to tell me that you want to snap my suspenders?"

"What do you hope to accomplish?"

The tirade was locked and loaded with rhetorical questions. Any Nigerian worth his crude will tell you that there's nothing like a rhetorical question. They're the conversational bombs you need to explode any argument and they don't have to make any sense at all.

"Are you the spawn of a devilish fly and a baboonish gorilla?"

The victim of your tirade will be at a loss for words. His or her mouth will flap like a runner at the end of his tether. Then you'll take advantage of the silence to land a few more critical blows.

"I can't believe it. What kind of a bombastic element are you?"

"Do you mean to ruin my nipples?"

"Don't you know that my nipples are among black Jesus' most treasured possessions?"

 After all of that, I turned to my audience to voice my confusion.

"Why did she come and find my trouble today, is she a rat?"
They were stunned. It is one thing to observe a verbal beating, but it is another to be asked to join a lynching.

"Afam! Don't you think you're taking it too far?" They asked.

I was ready for them.
"So you mean to tell me that you were just going to let her violate my body?"

"You people are the reason why that internship has not landed on my lap."

"Do you see how you have all become the enemies of my progress?"

After my explosion I turned my back to them and went to the window to hold back my laughter. Sometimes, to be productive we must do the most irrational things, like dance on empty streets, and watch motivational videos on youtube that tell us how every day lived only serves as the launching pad for future successes.

For all my rambling, I didn't really mind the idea of it. I only thought that it would set a bad precedent. If my suspenders are yanked everytime I wear them then I would be very uncomfortable indeed; ninety nine and three-quarters per cent guaranteed.

I looked to my audience and said, "Can you see what you have caused? Be sure to apologise to my nipples personally."

With that, I agreed to one pull.


She obliged.

And we all lived stroppily ever after.

The End

Podcasts: 90s Baby Radio Show - Episode 2

This episode of the 90s Baby Radio show hosted by Tosan and Juanita features Tyson Noir, a young Nigerian musician who is perhaps most popular for his song Mercy.

He is an interesting subject. The music video of Mercy is so distinctly generic that I feared that I would fall asleep while I watched it. It is the sort of song that they play before the party; low impact and easily forgotten. It isn't bad by a long shot, but it may suffer for it's lack of badness. If it were truly awful, I may have given it a second look. In spite of all of this, I firmly believe that his best is yet to come. On his youtube page, he performs a rather good cover of Michael Jackson's Human Nature. It shows that he is not in fact talentless. In Mercy, he fell victim to the wicked ways of pop. Pop music will make a mascot of you before it makes you a star.

He was more successful in his first EP, Dreaming in Colour. His single off that EP, Don't Cry (Ma Sun Kun Mo O) featured talking drums in its rather catchy beat. That is one of the many reasons why it's a good idea to commit three minutes and three seconds of your life to listening to it.



All of that aside, he gives a good interview. Here's the second episode of the 90s Baby Road Show.

Have a listen and tell me what you think: @Afam20.

Or better yet, tell them what you think: @tosanwilts and@elmo_knows



Happy Days,
Afam

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5: The Door

One of the best things about the Game of Thrones is how large its world is. There is no way its plot cannot move, and there is no story that it cannot accommodate. This week showed us how little we know about the future of Westeros and all the other lands that exist in George R. Martin's fictional world.

If you are spoiler averse, this is where you should leave.


This episode begins with Sansa. She enjoys a less than pleasant reunion with Littlefinger. He's one of the more mobile characters in the Game of Thrones, teleporting from North to South with very little difficulty. Sansa's evolution from doormat to assertive woman has been one of the joys of the season. She suffered at the hands of the Lannisters with all the qualities of a lamb being led to the slaughter and then she endured the sexual proclivities of Ramsay Bolton. She says, "I can still feel it. I do not mean in my tender heart. It still pains me so I can still feel what he did in my body standing here right now." It is clear that she no longer trusts anyone with her future. When Littlefinger reveals his intentions to protect her, she says, "You can't protect me. You won't even be able to protect yourself if I ask Brienne to cut you down."

With those words she showed a determination to take control of her fate. She's gained a measure of power and it is unlikely that she'll release it soon. To be powerless in the Game of Thrones is to ready yourself for death.

There's a battle in Winterfell's future. At the minute it looks like it will be the Starks and the Tullys versus the Boltons. Once the armies are in motion it is not clear which families will side with whom. Loyalty is not a quality that is common in the Game of Thrones.

After her scene stealing turn last week you may have expected more time with Daenerys, but we didn't get it in this episode. All she did was order Ser Jorah Mormont to find a cure for his greyscale. He's one of the people I think the series could do without.

The meat of the episode was a surprise.The Game of Thrones delved into the far too complicated matter of time travel. At first Bran was merely an observer in the past, now he knows that he's something of a catalyst. He knows that his words and actions in his present could have some sort of impact on the events that we now consider to be part of the canon. If the present and the past that leads to it, are likely to be changed or corrected, then there really hasn't been any point to the series.

God knows that I didn't watch five seasons of The Game of Thrones to be told it was all a dream.


Happy Days,
Afam

Trending on Afam's mind this week: Welcome to the twitter four digit follower club

You learn the best lessons from the unlikeliest places. My partner, Mariam and I were sat through a lecture about punk music, hoping to get a story about how the spirit of punk is still with us, even though the music is not. One of the speakers said something that amounted to this:

To be successful, you need talent, ambition, luck, work ethic, and business taken care of. Of all of these, talent is the least important. Ambition and a good work ethic are obvious things to discuss when people talk about success, but people often disregard the importance of luck. You see, luck is more than just about divine providence. It is mostly about being personable. People who cannot relate well with others will more often than not find that they are unlucky. Luck is not something that is imposed on you. Luck, like most things in life, is almost entirely dependent on you. You either make it, or you break it.

People also underestimate the value of having business taken care of by someone other than themselves. Success is rarely ever brought about by the efforts of one person. It takes a team. It needs support to be achieved.

While you're thinking about all of that, here's my week in review.

The Blog:

This week I published 9 articles, and I wrote 8 of them. I know that I can do better than this, so I'll work towards that. I know that my time is limited, so it's all about making better use of the time that I do have. If there was a big announcement it would be that I've joined the four digit twitter club. Yes, I now have 1000 twitter followers, and it feels nice. Followers, subscribers, and users are a sort of currency when you do what I do.

In other news, I've set up two new tabs, the film tab, and the podcast tab. There'll be more in the future.

There's also a new website in the pipeline, and by pipeline I mean that I am thinking about actually paying someone to design something that's more attractive than what it is now. If you'd like to do this for free, then please send me a shout out. I'll become your best friend overnight. 

The best thing on the blog this week
Judging the work on the blog isn't the easiest thing to do because I can't possibly be objective about it. If I had to choose it would be the article about Azealia Banks, and I think the vast majority of you would agree. It is the thing that you read the most. 

What was hilarious
There's an article on a blog called Ugotalksalot.com that straight up killed me. It's called the conspiracy theorists guide to understanding Lagos heat. I didn't expect to laugh as hard or as loudly as I did. And I can't say exactly what it was about it that made me cackle like a witch on drugs. I won't spoil it. You should do yourself a favour and read it. If you don't laugh, email me, and I'll write you an apology.

The Book

I started reading Born on a Tuesday by Elnathan John. It's one of those stories that transports you. You stop judging the writing and you start breathing the words. In this book he creates a world that is compelling. Like most good worlds in fiction, it is funny, it is sad, and you never know what detail's going to creep up on the next page. I read it on the tube, and in bed. I'm only half way through, but I've been reading it for long enough to know that it is good.

The Music
This week belongs to Rihanna. She performed spectacularly at the Billboard music awards. There isn't much more to say about it. I didn't know that she had that performance in her, at least not live.

The Films
I saw Xmen Apocalypse. It was a troublesome watch. It is two hours of content that I do not believe that I needed. After it I was left feeling that I had seen all I needed to see. Watching Neighbours 2: Sorority rising the following day was its tonic. The former was so heavy handed that it was depressing, and the latter was so light that my feet didn't touch the ground as I walked to the train station, and the train didn't touch the tracks as it transported me North. I live in a part of London that I find intolerable.

The blog that isn't mine that I read and liked
That honour, if it is an honour, goes to abikeayeye.com. She's funny in a matter of fact way that the best Nigerians are. She has a dream, that one day, Nigerian toilets will no longer need to have a bucket and bowl in case of incase-ity. That's a tweet that she wrote and her blog offers more of the same. If you're ever in need of a quiet chuckle then abikeayeye.com is the place for you.

Happy Days,
Afam