The Feeding Habits of a Couch Potato: Gazelle for breakfast yikes!

I find it shocking that I have developed in such a way that my online presence might be greater than my actual one. The words I write almost never make it into actual conversation. This is both a good and bad thing because as witty as I may seem on twitter, skype and facebook chances are that if you meet me on the street as I zombie walk to Sainsburys I'll probably not be very much fun at all. The key term in the prior sentence is Zombie. I've become such a home body that the mere thought of walking fills my soul with dread. So if you do run into me it is very likely that I will be quite uninteresting because the call of my couch far exceeds the lure of any real human contact.

As a result of this I have found that it is much more convenient to execute my affairs from the comfort of my bed. It is old news that I have subjected myself to the rigours of bachelordom, but when this scraggly jackal needs to go a-hunting there's no better feeding ground than facebook. On facebook your so called friends fall into seix categories.
  • Actual Friends: These are your everyday, normal friends.
  • Long Distance Friends: We're still good friends but we no longer live in the same place.
  • Long ago Friends: We knew each other a decade ago. Let's play at reconnecting
  • One Night Friend Friends: We met on a particularly exciting night out and I thought you were quite cool. By the following day I'll have forgotten who you are.
  • Mutual Friends Friends: We've never met in person but we've got over 10 friends in common so I've come to the conclusion that there's no harm in the old add because the individual in question could hardly be a psycho if we've got ten friends in common.
  • I don't know who you are but you're hot friends: The title says everything. 
As you might have guessed my plate typically consists of the latter four with occasional servings of the top 2.
Also it is important to note that within the categories above there is another category i.e the newly come of age honeyz. I assume that that needs no explanation. Please don't judge me, I only make do.

When I was 14 a conversation with Henry, changed my methods of pursuing members of the fairer sex.  

Henry: Fam, you're doing it all wrong.
Afam: That's easy for you to say. Everything about you screams lady killer.
Henry: You really think so?
Afam: did it just pause to acknowledge a minor compliment during my hour of greatest need? This was whispered to the imaginary audience in my head
Henry: Yes the way you're going about it is quite wrong.
Afam: (filthy look). Every man knows that it is sacrilegious to correct another's courtship procedure. Again whispered to audience in head.
Henry: You see, guys like us are not so good looking that girls offer themselves on a silver platter. We must rely on other tools, like our wit and charm. So when you bounce up to Kokolet (the prettiest girl in our year) and ask "How you doing?" like Joey from Friends you are not doing yourself any favours. You haven't the physical qualities to distract her from the dullness of your chat.

From that day I was reformed. The current trends in technology have only improved my odds. So after going through several profiles, I select a worthy candidate and immediately brush up on her interests. There's nothing more exciting than hearing her exclaim "Oh my God!!", "we have so much in common. We're like completely on the same page", but I get ahead of myself. How can she say those things when you haven't even made first contact?

First contact is usually something that seems completely harmless. No sensible cheetah spooks off the gazelle before it has the opportunity to give chase. You like some status that's meant to be funny and write a comment underneath it commending her. She'll reply because it's only polite. The following day you write on her wall. It should be about something that's related to the thing you liked the day before. She'll reply, so that she does not appear rude. After this you send her another message asking about something of little or no metaphysical importance like the weather. If her reply is anything longer than "it's okay", then you're in. I guarantee it. This is exactly what happened between me and Jigglichu (for she's as cute as a jigglypuff, and more sparky than pikachu).

It's 2am on a Monday night, and Jigglichu stares at me from my computer screen. She's heard about my day and she's told me about hers, all from the comfort from her bed in London. 

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