Lessons from Heartbreakers: Tragically addicted to rubbish.

Last night I had the singular pleasure or displeasure of seeing the disaster that is Heartbreakers (2001) starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sigourney Weaver. If you keep on reading I can't promise you that there won't be any spoilers as I continue to talk about this delightful mess of a film.

It's a classic tale told in a demented fashion. A mother, daughter team goes around conning men into marriage and divorce. I hope you're not thinking about asking about the point of this. Heck! I'd do it if I could, but it's too much effort and I haven't got the temperament for it. At the end of the first fake date I'd be seen declaring my undying love and affection from the top of my trusty Toyota Corolla and admitting that I wept when I saw the following films:
  • Brave-heart
  • Gladiator 
  • Grave of the Fireflies (Anime)
  • Moulin Rouge
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Never Let Me Go
  • The Time Travelers Wife
  • One Day
  • The Notebook
  • Up
  • Bambi
  • Goodnight Mr Tom
  • The Lion King
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and;
  • The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.
The movie is a romantic comedy, so you know that both the mother and the daughter find love in the end. To give you a fair idea of the fuckery I endured I took the time to transcribe some quotes from the film.

William B. Tensy: If it is at all possible can you slap her around a little bit? (When speaking to the cops after asking them to take his housekeeper away.)

Jack Withrowe: My friends have this theory that i'm in love with you? (When telling Page/Jane/Wendy/Allison that he's in love with her. He is the definition of a fool. The saying, a fool and his money are soon parted has never been more applicable.

Page Conners: Shut up mother (Explains mother-daughter relationship perfectly. It is also important to not that Paige Conners is a Conner... A brief pause for laughter.)

Max Conners/ Olga Yevanova: You know how the Lord feels about having men in hotel rooms.
William B. Tensen: Not when the man orders oysters, champagne and room service.
Olga weeps
William B. Tensen: No worries I didn't charge it to your room.
(Olga was trying to extricate herself from a tricky situation by using the timeless excuse that God is watching.)

Max Conners/Olga Yevanova: If you marry me i believe that puts kipposh on deportation. (This was said to William B. Tensen.

At the end of the film two questions came to mind.

  1. How did I sit through this calamity?
  2. Does the fact that I enjoyed it make me a moron?
If you do end up watching it I assume that you will ask yourselves the same questions at the end because I am the definition of normality.

Happy Days

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