The Toddler Crisis: The Buffet

I don't like children (you shouldn't find this alarming). I am of the opinion that I was never a child, I was merely an adult in child fancy dress. A stork dropped me on top of my mother fully formed and bearded. Okay, I'll be honest. I didn't have a beard, but my face was lightly dusted with hairs that closely resembled bum fluff. As a result of this, I cannot relate to children for I was never one. Should I ever have one I can only assume that it'll come the same way I did; via stork. So when I was asked to attend a buffet with my aunt and her children (those one's are fine, they've passed the ten year old cut off mark) I was worried because I knew that several children (miniature people) would be in attendance. I wasn't going to go but thoughts of meat overcame my reservations.

The meat at the buffet was glorious. Every part of the cow but the brain was served. That day I'm fairly sure I ate tongue, tail, intestine, stomach, stomach lining, muscle, skin and foot. We Africans don't like to waste any part of the gentle beasts. After I had consumed all this meat I needed to take a nap. So lay my head on the table and took the train to the land of dreams. It was at that very moment that the following scene ensued.

Afam: I was asleep at the table, minding my own business when I heard the children around me discussing my welfare.

Enter Mariama. She's a feisty 7.

Mariama: Afam, you're a child too!! (I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was more than thrice her age)
Afam: Be quiet and let me finish.
Mariama: I'm just filling in the gaps. I'm sure that you won't tell the whole story. For starters, you weren't asleep.
Afam: I was.
Mariama: You weren't! You were just pretending
Afam: Let's move on shall we? (Without waiting for a response I continued) While I was sleeping, your discussion reached me. I was so pleased with the love being showered upon me, that I looked up and smiled with a twinkle in my eye.

Enter Matthew. 11 years old. The last time we met he beat me 9-0 in Fifa.

Matthew: Yeah right.
Afam: Yes that is exactly what happened.
Matthew:We all saw it. There's no need to be ashamed.
Afam: (perplexed) I don't know what you're talking about.

Enter Shola. 13 years old. A decent adolescent.
Shola: So your smile had nothing to do with her?
Afam: Who? I don't remember seeing a her.
Matt: The girl your age that stood across from you a few minutes ago.
Afam: I don't know what you mean.
Mariama: Liar.
Matt: He's also naughty.
Afam: How?
Matt: Afam you were responsible for a nine year old child running away from home.
Afam: I don't recall.
Matt: I have evidence.

The table goes silent.

Matt: Just this morning, when I asked you about Pampam (the child I supposedly made run away), you clearly stated that you thought he was an annoying, disruptive, and irritating child.
Afam: Yes.
Matt: There!
Mariama: But he was wasn't he?
Matt: Yes, but you're not supposed to say.

And just like that an entire table of minors was glaring at me.
 Happy Days,

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