Did you like the Koko Part 2

Before I begin, I feel like I should apologize for splitting the features on the koko concert. You see it is one thing to skewer the villains and charlatans that organised the damned thing and it is another to comment on the performances. I didn't want the undoubtedly shitty circumstances to poison your minds. So take a deep breath, calm yourselves, reach that place of Zen. Are your inner waters at peace? If so, read on, but if not take a deeper breath.

I, Afam am no longer a Johnny Just Come (JJC) to these West African armpit shores. Surely you've heard that Nigeria is a significant part of the armpit of Africa, I think this is catchier and more true than the Heart of Africa because countries and continents don't have hearts. Even if they did it is impossible to measure which heart is the heartiest of the lot. Can you say that a Ghanaian heart is better than a Nigerian one? As I am no longer a Johnny Just Come, I do not feel the ants in my pants that I used to feel whenever I was late to an event. I left my house at 11pm and got within striking distance of the concert in 30 minutes.

I was stood at the most precarious place for not 2 yards from me were some young lads partaking of hashish. I was rather surprised as I had never seen anyone partake of hashish so openly and in such a crowded venue. People were also guzzling spirits by the bottle. I couldn't blame them. Not everyone is me. Not everyone is capable of reaching inner peace and tranquility with gentle long deep breaths. It's not your fault. I judge not.

There were comedians on stage but truth be told I did not brave the man made desert that is Eko Atlantic for them. I came for Wizkid (he didn't perform though), the current lord of all Vandals Dbanj, DRB, Ajebutter, the extremely elusive Burna boy, Tinie Tempah and Big Sean.

The first musician on stage was flowsick. I could not believe that this was the compensation for my efforts. It was like Christmas in 2006, when Papa Afam wrote in my Christmas card, "Sorry, Santa couldn't deliver this year. He was stuck in the war in Afghanistan." It was so disappointing I could not believe it was happening to me. Flowsick wanted to give it to us low key, but with a voice like the one he displayed on stage it is a wonder how he isn't anything but low key. I would suggest that the performance was bad enough to condemn him to irrelevance but I'd probably be wrong. Below, is the studio version of the song.

Next was DRB. The crowd wasn't theirs at all. But they tried. They powered through with their incredible work ethic. It was not their fault that the crowd was moody, foul tempered and lackluster. They were the victims here. I enjoyed their set. You see, back when I was a young un, I went to school in Gbagada and so did Toyin. It's kind of funny no? You have to allow the odd wise crack. Dry jokes are the best jokes.

Then came Ajebutter. The first song he did was Omo pastor with the help of Boj. It was brilliant. For the first time that night the crowd came alive. Hands were waving, people were screaming and I am pleased to say that I was among them. I need a Pastors daughter in my life. I will put this in my prayers for 2013. Senrenre was less popular and I was shocked by this because I am never not in the mood to hear it.
I maintain that the white person in the video, there's only one, looks like a certain old Cheltonian in the University of Manchester. 

You know that I don't know the name of every Nigerian performer right? The fellow that followed Ajebutter was one of the ones that I didn't know. He performed a song about booties bouncing. Let that booty bounce or something like that. He even had a semi skilled dancer accompany him on stage. For all the provocative dancing, it was frightfully dull. So dull that I found myself thinking of my January exams. Do you know that in 1952 China was perhaps less industrialized than India? Thank me later.

It was at this juncture that I decided that if I didn't know them, then I wouldn't blog about them. It's only fair isn't it?

My favourite Mammy Water was the next performer that I knew. It was the one, the only, Seyi Shay. Tonight Seyi chose to wear a bright red sequined mini dress that barely covered her crotch. I liked this a lot. Her legs looked long. I was a little green with envy that I wasn't closer to the stage. The view there must have been awesome.  She was pretty good. As far as singing goes she was easily the best of the night. I enjoyed it.

Iyanya of Kukere came on next. Do you know that Iyanya's car plate is IYANYA? During his performances I started to formulate the theory that Nigerian musicians live aren't musicians at all but hypemen of their own music. When the backing track is as loud as the microphone and all you're really doing is shouting EH!! and YEAH!! are you not a hype man? Kukere is a brilliant song so in spite of the fact that he couldn't really hold a tune or sing on key or not sound flat I really enjoyed his performance. This is a fine example of expectations management. If you have extremely negative expectations, you can only ever be pleasantly surprised.

 Iyanya also performed your waist. As some of you do not know the song I shall transcribe the lyrics I remember.

Man (Iyanya): "Your waist, your waist, all I want is your waist"

Girl: "My waist, my waist, all you want is my waist. You want my waist my waist. You want my freaking (it could be freaky) waist boy"

I think it's a little poetic. However I have to say that they waisted a brilliant dancer. She got no credit for her extraordinarily paced gyrations. I believe that she could be the answer to the energy crisis.

See what I did there? I'm sitting on my couch thinking, "Afam! you're such a genius!" You don't agree? Well, my opinion is the only opinion that counts. I kid. Also I missed Tosan Mac Wilshire's dancing here. He gives new meaning to the phrase, "your waist."

After him came Burna Boy. Burna boy has been something of an enigma this christmas. Before the Koko concert he was scheduled to do two other concerts (the DRB concert and the Chris Brown concert) but he was a no show. In my opinion this calls his work ethic into question. It's like missing work without calling in sick. He performed his song, Like to party.

Because I'm a sort of aspiring writer, I consider myself a writer and like most writers I believe that the climax should only come a few pages from the end and not one second before. So, I am very uncomfortable telling you that Burna boy, who only performed one song was the HIGHLIGHT of the night. For 5 minutes the crowd forgot about all their troubles (and their troubles were rather significant) and enjoyed the damned concert. Hands were waving, guys and girls were screaming, a girl next to me was grinding on a guy's head. Who does that?! I guess that's how much people liked Burnaboy. They liked him enough to ignore all that is good and natural in the world.

I know that the quality of his voice is suspect, but it's still a pretty decent song. He was undoubtedly the winner of the night! #winning #BurnaForTheWin

After him came Dami Krane. Following Burna boy can't have been the easiest task in the world, but on the other hand the crowd was more alive than it had been in hours. Dami Krane put us all back to sleep. Like a vampire he sapped the people of their zest for life. I cannot tell you what he performed. I can only tell you that I received negative utility from watching it. This my dear friends and enemies, for enemies are just as dear to me as friends, is negative satisfaction. You could compare it to walking naked through a field of stinging nettles or sleeping in a bed full of ants. I was delighted to see the back of him.

Next came Ice Prince, and all he did was hype himself. There existed no great distinction between him and Dami Krane. It might be better to sleep, than to see him live.

It is rather unfortunate that Tinie Tempah followed him because the crowd was even more hostile than it had been at the beginning. If not for the usurper Burna boy, Tinie would have been the night's champion. I enjoyed his set as much or even more than Burna boy's but the crowd was more alive during Burna boy's so as much as it pains me, I cannot award him the title of Champion (or Tampon... the combination of Chamion and Tinie Tempah is undoubtedly a tampon). Patrick Chukwuemeka Okogwu (Tinie Tempah) did well. I sang Written in the Stars, even when I knew that I could not possibly sing that ridiculously high note in the chorus, I danced violently and spastically to Miami to Ibitha (he called it Miami to Lagos for the purposes of the night) even though the steps I was standing on were more than a little bit shaky and unstable. I would have whipped off my t-shirt and twirled it like a baton during pass out but I wasn't wearing a t-shirt and Papa Afam was in attendance. I cannot allow my chief employer to see me acting anything but appropriately. Underneath his gaze I must be the paragon of uprightness and good behaviour.

After Tinie came Pusha T. During Pusha T's performance I sat down and fell asleep. I kid you not. I even tweeted it here: 

I don't think I need to say anything more about that. Don't judge me too harshly. It was 3am and I was wiped out.

Big Sean followed him. When I heard his name, my energies returned to me in full force. I jumped out of my seat and paid attention. He's such a nice fellow. He was unbelievably happy to be on stage even though he had just come off a 20 hour flight with his mother during which his luggage had been misplaced. He came on to stage tired and Jet Lagged and performed with so much energy that I felt sorry for him. On a different day, in a different place I would have been just as energetic as he but it was approaching 4am and I was tired. He wasn't discouraged though. His performances of Dance (A$$) and My Last were stellar.

After Big Sean came the King of all Villainy, the Vandal, the Charlatan, the Inconsiderate, the Ridiculous Kokomaster, Dbanj or Skibanj as his Jamaican friends call him. He arrived on stage with a velvet cape and an absurd crown. He started his set by calling out Pusha T, Big Sean and Idris Elba. He then proceeded to make them his hype men. I was very impressed by this. After this he made it quite clear that he was only really there for the VVIPs (Very Very important people. It has surely occurred to you that this word, this abbreviation is infinitely expandable. I look forward to meeting the first VVVIP. I have no doubt that the individual is Nigerian. By altering the abbreviation we've made it clear that we Nigerians are plagued by an Importance complex. It is no longer okay to be very important. We must all strive to be very very important). Because the person we had come to see didn't want to see us and it was 5am, we went home after he did a couple of songs. His performances weren't too great either.

Last but not the least is Idris Elba. Idris was advertised as the host of the concert but Idris my dear fellows didn't host anything. He came on stage a few times during the night, said a few words, led a few cheers and turned to the bottle, hard.

All in all, I quite enjoyed myself. I didn't have the sort of good time I thought I would have, but I had a good time all the same. Just like I had a brilliant time at Likwid last night even though all I did there was get pushed around in the queue. However I am incredibly grateful because I didn't get pushed in the open sewer, I wasn't threatened with a taser, I didn't see that unfortunate man being beaten to a pulp, I didn't see any shots being fired. All of this adds up to a brilliant Lagosian night. I also got home at 2.30 in the morning. That my friends is a win and a half.

Happy Days,

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