The Somewhat Tenuous Relationship between Valentines day, Kerry Washington, Lemons and Husband Seeking

Ah famzers it has been a while. Well it's only been 8 days but in blogging time this is an eternity. For those of you who noticed my absence and missed me I love you. You're far too good for me and you're far too good to me. Even if I worked everyday to deserve your goodness I would come up short. For those of you who didn't notice, I hate you. You are terrible. But even this hate is love. I only hate you because you do not love me more. You do not love me as much as I love you.

I was going to write you a scorcher on Valentines day but my Valentines day did not go the way I planned. You see, on Valentines day I was going to make a few phone calls, and then maybe go out for supper at Manchester's most popular hipster palace with the lady in my life but I didn't.

Manchester's most popular hipster joint is an American themed anti-establishment restaurant by the name of Almost Famous. Even though bloggers are not allowed in I managed to sneak in without anyone being the wiser. This is how much I love my Famzers. I sneak into alien territories to bring you the scoop. More on this later.

I didn't start my Valentines day with a box of chocolates or paying for flowers, I started my Valentines day in one of these.

No, I didn't climb into one of the very fine bins at Student Castle because I have a little bit of a kinky fetish for them, I climbed into one of them because I accidentally threw my wallet and my phone in there with the trash. In my Afam playbook there are only 3 plays that can emerge from something like this happening so early in the day.

  • The Universe has its eye out for me. Any and every activity I partake in will be jeopardised by one freak incident or the other. Call in sick and spend the day watching Scandal. (This might be completely inappropriate but Kerry Washington's face seems to blossom when she is whimpering, screaming or looking depressed. She never looks more beautiful than when she's acting like her life's about to go up in flames. Her face was made for suffering. I can only hope that she continues to pick more emotionally challenging roles.)

Photo credit: abc. Do you see what I mean? She looks upset. She looks like she just saw someone eat a goldfish alive! But she's never looked more attractive. More power to her. She makes the struggle look sexy.

  •  The universe is trying to tell me that my phone is pants, that it is about time that I put it where it belongs i.e the bin. Well a year ago I would have believed this but I have come to the conclusion that I should not rush into getting a new phone. If I got an iphone 5 today i could break it in an hour. I'd rather bang up my already banged up blackberry (struggleberry, crackberry, shitberry #justsaying)
  • Lastly, the universe is trying to tell me that my wallet is pants. Tell the universe to stick its head up its arse and then get a colonoscopy to determine whether or not it has succeeded in this endeavor. My wallet is very good at telling pickpockets that the opportunity cost of picking my pocket is too high. You see, if anyone were to pick my pocket and relieve me of my wallet, they would immediately find that I have no money. They only have so much time to pick so many pockets. Picking an empty pocket is a risk they cannot afford.
I decided that the first play was the best play and spent all day in bed watching Scandal. I don't think I've ever had a better Valentine's day. There should be a blog dedicated to the many faces of Kerry Washington but all of that is by the way.

Valentines day is perhaps most famous for it's ability to expose the thirsty in society. The older I get the more aware I am of the the thirst. The thirst can be defined as an all consuming unrelenting insatiable infinitely blinding craving for love. Thirst is a very powerful thing. It leads to prayers like the one below.

This is an actual book. It's supposedly quite funy

Can you see? She is so desperate for a husband that she doesn't even care about the kind that she gets. She has turned her life into a box of quality street or celebrations. Yes! do not argue with me. She did not specify the type of husband she wanted. That is how God will deliver her a cactus as a husband. You will see her on a documentary on the discovery channel, "I have become an objectophile and I am happy with my life" that's what she will say. She will never guess that the root of her objectophilia was a half thought prayer that she beamed up to heaven. But objectophilia is better than the alternative.

What is this alternative? This alternative is a RUBBISH husband. The kind of husband you pick up willy nilly on a Gambian beach. What if God provides you with a husband that drinks, sleeps around or beats you black and blue. Will you still be happy? Who will you complain to? It's just like asking your father for a car and receiving a lemon. You asked for a car, he got you a car, so you have to live with it. You can't go back and be like "well daddy, this isn't the car I wanted. Give me another one." It is far better to be in a romantic relationship with your can of deodorant than it is for you to have a bad husband.

(A lemon is the Nigerian equivalent of a Tokunbo and any English made car in the seventies. The best thing I have ever heard said of the Austin Allegro is 

"it isn't a particularly bad car, it's just an astoundingly adequate car with mistakes made in it." 
Top Gear

This is the power of the English. Their understanding of the language is so absolute that they manage to say the worst things about things without actually saying anything bad about them. For those of you who do not already know what Tokunbos are, a Tokunbo is a vehicle that has changed hands no fewer 50 times and no longer possesses the underlying features that constitute what exactly a car is. Most of them were once legends in their own right but they've been tinkered with so many times that their interiors are vaguely reminiscent of one of my Science projects from my school days.)
This my dear friends is a Tokunbo. I know it doesn't look that bad but can you imagine what they've done to the suspension to make it appear normal even though it's carrying enough Onions to feed an entire village for half a year? Without the sacks the butt of the car would be closer to heaven than it is to the ground. I have seen this so I know it to be true. 

Furthermore, if you are unhappy without a husband, you will be unhappy with a husband. Your unhappiness will make your husband unhappy and then make you doubly unhappy. It is better for you to contain your unhappiness in your own vessel than it is for you to infect others with them. Your misery doesn't need company. The person that first suggested that is both a Villain and a Suppressive person. I stole the last one from the Scientology handbook.

So remember, when praying for your husband add a long list of adjectives lest you receive a bounty when you really wanted a malteser.

Happy Days,


Anonymous said...

Yeah, i did miss out your posts.
And yes i will remember to add criteria when praying for husband but how come they are scare to come by this days.

Afam said...

Husbands are highly unnecessary. You will be fine without one. Thank you for missing me. I do so love to be missed. If I was not missed, I wouldn't be as excited about blogging as I am.

Happy Days

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