The Unfavourable Marriage Series Part Three: Afam and Vodafone, divorce is nigh (The Language in this one is FOUL!! Rated 16!)

As I write this I cannot believe that I am writing it. I am so shocked that I, Afam, who should have known better, have found myself buggered by Vodafone yet again. It feels like they just bent me over and unleashed a brutal onslaught of such flurried spanking that my arse shall never be quite right. Whenever I sit I will remember that it was Vodafone that spanked me stupid.

I suppose that this is how Olivia Pope felt when Fitz basically reduced her to a vagina. He didn't even make it seem like she was a good vagina. He made it seem like she was a vagina with more gonorrhoea nodules than actual vagina. At this point you must be wondering what it is that Vodafone did to me that led me to compare them to gonorrhoea nodules.

 I believe that this is the first time I have mentioned vagina on the blog. It is a shame that I have been forced to associate such a wondrous creation with the earthly manifestation of difficulty (or the corporate equivalent of erectile dysfunction). 

And so it was that on the 21st of May, that I Afam, received an iphone 5 in the post. Mama Afam sent it to me for my birthday because she thought it extraordinary that a blogger of my pedigree should have to struggle with a struggleberry. In all fairness the Blackberry actually served me as well as a Blackberry could. It's just that Blackberrys are generally not very good, and even then I had one of the better ones, the Blackberry Bold 2. I immediately removed my sim card from my blackberry, cut it into many many tiny pieces, and ran for the nearest Vodafone store. I stumbled into the one on Market street in Manchester. Once there I was informed in the most unapologetic manner possible that they could not possibly provide me with a new sim card because their systems were down. They might as well have said, "Fuck off dude! You've been a customer with us for 3 years and 4 months but that ain't shit."

Now it's not like this was that bad but when you've been fucked as many times as I have by Vodafone without lube, even the slightest prick feels like a full on assault from Jupiter himself! 

But even though I, Afam had absolutely nothing to do with their temperamental systems, I knew that I was the orchestrator of my own misfortune. If I had terminated my contract on the 9th of May, and picked up one with O2 this would not have happened. After that I sought some solace from another Vodafone store (the one in the Arndale) where they apologised to me in a manner so effective that I was almost grateful for the hiccup, for if it had not happened I would never have heard such lyrical heart warming genius. I was determined to get my iPhone up and running before I returned home, so I turned the trip into a window shopping experience.

 River Island

Topman. I think the Topman experience beat the River Island one. I don't think I've ever looked so cool.

The systems returned to full functionality 3-4 hours my first enquiry and I got my iPhone activated. I am grateful to Vodafone for all their vexations, for my life would probably be impossibly dull if I didn't find a single thing to complain about. At least in that regard, Vodafone keeps me well satisfied.

Happy Days,
Afam



1 comment:

bobby Ezidi said...

first off, Jupiter's part cracked me up.. then the analogy btwn Fitz/Olivia & Afam/vodafone.. priceless.. buh me i feel olivia's monkey is treated well by Fitz banana.. i mean, take a look at these last two episodes, he really loves Olivia, he was willing to give all just to be with her, ergo, his banana would have treated her monkey with same love and respect.. thanks to sister Derby

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