the worst night of my life so far (Why so Unchristianly?)

Last night was quite literally the worst night I've ever had in my rather short life. No, that's a lie. The actual worst night of my life so far happened when I was 13, after a day when I was foolhardy enough to watch The Poltergeist, The Exorcist and God Bless The Child within a few hours of each other. All of those movies feature the sort of demonic activity that is often the exclusive right of the very cute, very young and impossibly innocent in film. At 13, I thought myself to be the cutest, most innocent thing in all the world. Pictures of the time show me that I was deluded. The teenage years were severely unkind. My body didn't make sense and it is ridiculously difficult to be cute with braces, glasses and no front teeth (I lost those when I was 7). Come nightfall, I was convinced that I would be visited by a demonic hoard so evil that I would find myself transformed into a vivid green projectile vomiting, self mutilating, television confined gremlin of epic proportions. I, Afam, cried, "MUMMY!" in a dormitory filled with 16 boys between the ages of 11 and 17. I never lived that down. 

Yes. I sleep like that. 

Last night, as I lay my head down on my impossibly thin pillow to sleep, I found that I couldn't because of a night vigil/rehearsal session at a Redeemed Church across the road. If it had been from any other building in the neighbourhood, I would have stormed down there in my jalabia and yelled myself hoarse. I don't joke with my sleep. My boss expects me to be like the energiser bunny for at least 12 hours and this isn't possible without a good 8 hours of sleep. As this was a church I couldn't. If I did that, I'd probably have been accused of interrupting the work of God or being possessed by a legion, for only one infiltrated by an army of Spirits would dare attempt to stop a service in motion, and it wouldn't have ended there, they would probably have forcefully exorcised me or given me the slap of divine providence usually reserved for young girls who claim to be witches for Jesus Christ. 

 Even though I could, I won't launch into an informative journalistic piece that decries the "more church than people" society I've found myself in (Papa Afam, I judge you for usurping one Afam from his comfortable and messy studio in Student Castle before his lease was up). I'm far too tired for that. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that. It is a little curious that Churches could be so unChristianly in their activities but Lagos brings all paradoxes to life, so I'm not surprised. What do you think I should do? What would you do?

Happy Days, 

ps. I will curse the first person who writes grin and bear it out of existence because I'm a member of the illuminati and we have powers and shit. That was a joke. Laugh. Please? 


Anonymous said...

I am currently in the same situation. I am so mad because it is a monday night, it is just another monday night in july and I cannot find any reason to justify this loud and intense vigil by this church that has decided to make its base in a residential area(which is 90% of the churches in Nigeria because planning is non existence and this is another reason why I'm mad.) Then the obscene sound system they decide to use again. They can't be going to the same heaven as the rest of us and if they are, I don't want abeg if this is the kind of noise they make there. I don't know what to do, but if you figure it out before me, let us know. Buying ear plugs, the type people use to deal with snoring spouses(what are those called anyone?) might help though.

bobby Ezidi said...

"given me the slap of divine providence usually reserved for young girls who claim to be witches for Jesus Christ" lmao... funny as hell.. last time i was in Lag, there was a church nearby, & twas like they never slept.. buy em earplugs.. that should work.. i know it does when Kene snores(Ps kene's my adorable, & loving Cozn)

Afam said...

Thanks Bobby!!!

Afam said...

Thanks! i feel your pain!!

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