Take Banana (The not so true story about the Goody Bag Video starring D'Prince)

I first heard of the man and character called D'Prince when I was 20 years old. It is true when they say that the price of wisdom is youth, for I was very young then and remarkably foolish. I look forward to losing some of my foolery as I age, because I am only 23 and I already feel infinitely wiser than I was when I was 20. When I am 26, I suspect that I shall be so wise that I shall rule the world, or own a country, or something along those lines. Even in my absolute foolery I was quick to realise that the song that made him famous, Jonzing World, was a scourge on the planet. You must realise that I only ever heard the song in it's entirety when I was completely consumed by drunkenness. You mustn't assume that I was always drunk, for while that is certainly an attractive prospect, alcohol poisoning is no party. But even my drunkenness wasn't enough to stop me from hating it. I do not think I have ever heard it without trying to incinerate the sound system with my mind. It hasn't worked so far, but I'm sure that it will soon. Keep your fingers crossed, will you?

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I spent the Christmas holidays with the Afam household in Nigeria. During the holidays, I was made aware that D'Prince had released another song, a better song, called Goody bag. A little over a month ago, I had the distinct pleasure of watching the video. It really is the most spectacular thing. It confirmed my hypothesis that African innuendos are not intended to be well thought out statements that fly over the heads of the daft and unfamiliar. They're meant to be shots to the head, or slaps to the face, or punches in the gut. This new song does a splendid job of this. Its highlight is when D'Prince insists that you want his goody bag. And you need not wait 15 seconds before he tells you that a banana is hiding inside his goody bag.

Because the internet situation in Nigeria is truly dire, and several of my readers are Nigerian, I Afam the infinitely kind, have taken it upon myself to give an entertaining but not entirely factual account of the going ons in the video.

One day this rather handsome man, with spectacular nostrils, conversed with his signet ring while gesticulating wildly. The conversation went something like this.

Enter D'Prince and the Signet Ring.

Signet Ring: Old chap, I'm growing increasingly bored of sitting on your finger.

D'Prince: Really? But how could you possibly grow bored of sitting on my finger. It's a very finely formed finger, if I do say so myself.

Signet Ring: It is. But I think it would be more fun if we had a beauty competition of sorts and gave goody bags to the winners.

D'Prince: I can't think of any reasons why we shouldn't. Let's call the gurrrs.

Signet Ring: I want all kinds of gurrs. Normal video hoes won't do. I want every type of black hoe on the planet.

And so it was that the wishes of the Signet ring and D'Prince were carried out almost instantaneously, for the signet ring wasn't any old ring. No, it was a magical ring; a finger wizard. 

The girls stood in line for ages. But it is only natural that they would, for they were there to see D'Prince. I do not recall that D'Prince has ever performed anything on time. But he mustn't be blamed because he is Nigerian. The vast majority of Nigerians in the entertainment sector seem to be waging a war against time and punctuality, but this strikes me as an infinitely stupid enterprise, for to waste time, is to kill time, and to kill time is to endure being silently killed by time.

But you mustn't feel sorry for them because they came prepared. I mean, what else can you call it when someone's standing in line with an entire manicure set?

Back to D'Prince and the Signet Ring

Signet Ring: Now that they're all here, we need to decide how we'll distribute the goody bags.

D'Prince: Right! I can't possibly give goody bags to everyone, that'll be exhausting!

Signet Ring: Yeah! didn't you hear about that guy that died after five women raped him?

D'Prince: But that guy was a wimp,  I'm D'Prince! I've got goody bags for all the women in attendance.

Signet Ring: Even if you aren't picky, I am. You must summon a panel of male judges to share the burden.

D'Prince: But there'll be less for me!!

Signet Ring: Quality over quantity you lout!

D'Prince: I've chosen the judges, but I have no idea what I should do next.

Signet Ring: You are beyond redemption. You have to choose what goes into the goody bag!!

D'Prince: So what do I put in my goody bag?

Signet Ring: Every goody bag requires at least one very big banana, but let's put three in.

D'Prince: But I only have one banana, isn't that false advertising?

Signet Ring: It's your job to sell the fantasy!

D'Prince: Really? But who fantasises about having three bananas? I don't think I'm about that life.

Signet Ring: Shut up! Next you must put money in the goody bag. And when I say money, I don't mean Naira, only dollars will do.

D'prince: But why should I give my hard earned cash to the gurrs?

Signet Ring: Anyone who knows anything at all knows that Nigerian gurrs are far more inspired by dollars than they are by bananas. Even if your banana was the king of all bananas - and it isn't, without dollars you won't get no satisfaction.

D'Prince: Okay. But how shall we choose who gets the goody bags?

Signet Ring: We'll ask them to identify their selling points.

D'Prince: How do you mean?

Signet Ring: Well your selling point is that you're a fresh boy with more money than sense.

D'Prince: I beg your pardon?

Signet Ring: Wasn't it you that bought an Aston Martin and a Rolls Royce? I cannot believe that you sentenced such fines examples of engineering to such tortured existences.

D'Prince: I'm offended!

Signet Ring: Don't be. It isn't a bad thing to have more money than sense. I'm fairly sure it's the dream of many a poor boy.

D'Prince: Oh Right. That's good then. Let's begin.

Signet Ring: Shut up! We need seksy dancers before we start.

D'Prince: I'm not sure I follow, won't we already be looking at gurrs from planet gurr all day?

Signet Ring: But what if the babes we end up looking at are gurrs from planet UGG? We'll need the visual equivalent of coffee beans for our eyes.

D'Prince: Now I'm lost. Where did coffee come in?

Signet Ring: When you're buying perfume and you've smelled so many brands that you cannot tell the difference between your farts and the perfume, they give you coffee beans to clear your nose.

D'Prince: That's such an important discovery, especially as I fart incessantly. You're too good to me Siggy baba.

Enter the Dancer Gurrs

Signet Ring: Aren't they sexually sexual, and deliciously sumptuous?

D'Prince: Yes... But the one on the right is sleeping.

Signet Ring: What does that have to do with anything? There isn't anything that she can do awake that she can't do while she's sleeping. *wink* *wink*

D'Prince: You're terrible!

Signet Ring: I know. Look at them from behind!


Now that's what I call speechless. I imagine that he looked like that for days, for that's what happens when men find themselves engrossed in bottoms. 

After an impossibly long period of time, he regained his wits and began the competition in earnest. There was a police woman (aka woman police)

and a chef.
 There was even a student.

and a fighter

and marketers (I mean anyway you look at it, she's got to be selling something)

and Doctors

And Business women

She was so keen to sample the banana that she tried to pay for the privilege. This solicited a reaction from the judging panel. 

(Enter D'Prince, the signet ring, and the judges)

Signet Ring: I can't believe she just tried to pay for the goody bag.

D'Prince: Yeah! I've already got more money than sense, I don't need anymore.

Judge 1: (Masks his despair with laughter and smiles and thinks, "But I'd jump on that opportunity anytime! I've been looking for a sidehustle for some time now, why can't a sugar mummy be my side hustle?)

Judge 1: To hell with it guys, I'm going in.

There was a mad woman

A witchy woman, 

 She scared the hell out of D'Prince and his boys,

At the end of the day, a winner was chosen for each of our four characters. 

Judge 1 and Judge 2 joined the party early, 
D'Prince needed some more time to get ready.

While he was getting ready, a great crinkum crankum ensued over who would get what goody bag. Some of the girls who'd been sent home returned because they couldn't possibly bear to be without the banana.

At the end of the day the fight for the goodbag was too great for anyone to derive any sort of satisfaction from the entire endeavour. 

And that my friends, famzers and foes is how D'Prince stayed up all night to get lucky and didn't enjoy it. 

Happy Days,

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