How to dress like a blogger

The bulk of you must think that all there is to blogging, is sitting in front of a word processor all day, hammering out words and coming up with crazy ideas for future content. While a lot of that is true, the blogger must also look the part.

In my experience, ideas for future content do not come to me while I'm sitting, staring at my laptop screen, scratching my dandruff ridden head, and wondering why my talent has deserted me. The blogging talent is a wicked mistress. Sometimes, she leaves for weeks at a time, without promise of return, and then when she comes back, I'm a slave to her demands. She keeps me up all night, and works me like a pack horse. 

How does one look like a blogger - a master of online content with the; 
  • wit of a bone, 
  • facial features of a nubian prince, 
  • much sought after pot belly of childhood
  • legs of a chicken
  • sense of humour of an octogenarian
  • the sanity of Amanda Bynes
I'm really just describing myself here. I'm not too sure about the last one. I know I'm a rambling madman, but Amanda Bynes is officially, quantifiably, bat shit crazy. Her madness exceeds mine by at least twenty parts. 

Worry not! I, Afam, the brilliant, the generous, the epic, the Gambian Legend, (the rambling madman -I'm maximising keyword efficiency, for search engine optimisation) the number one Nigerian blogger, Will tell you. 

Wear your point of view.
As a blogger, your primary function is to shout about things no one really gives a damn about, or to shout about things every one gives a damn about but would rather not hear about from you. They'd rather hear about it from Christiana Amanpour, or Piers Morgan, or Lady Gaga. These days, it isn't enough to have a point of view, you must wear it too. And no, you can't wear it on your sleeve like a heart. There's no subtlety involved in this endeavour. You must howl it out like a wolf on the prowl. The best part about all of this is that it doesn't have to be fashionable or tasteful - kudos to you if it is, but you're already incredibly vulgar. There's a certain vulgarity associated with sharing your life on the internet. Your point of view doesn't need to be some great stance that declares your leftism, rightism, or libertarianism to the world. It can be something simple, like, I don't like fabric flapping around my chicken like ankles. And I don't, so I roll my trousers up, or I get trousers that don't flap around my ankles. Sometimes, I get trousers that don't flap around my ankles, and I still roll them up because, rolled up trousers are just so fetch.

How fetch is that? 
Look deranged (abnormal)
A blogger is a sort of creative person. As such, you're no longer allowed to look normal. You can't just wear a black suit, a white shirt, and black socks. You're not meant to look like a banker or a lawyer. If you do wear a black suit, a white shirt and black socks, then don't comb your hair, or make it look like you didn't comb your hair, shave off your eyebrows, and put food in your beard. If you're not persuaded by this sort of derelict chic, then stick a flaming pocket square in the suit pocket, get a pair of Finlay and Co wooden frames, put on some spectacular socks and call it a day. But if you are genuinely special your specialness will come through regardless.

You'll never see me and think, "what a normal guy". Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's a bad thing, but most of the time, it's just a thing. 
Happy Days,

These are Finlay and Co wooden frames. The moment I come into some money, I'll be getting me a pair. I think you should too. 


Erhumu G said...

"These days, it isn't enough to have a point of view, you must wear it too." That hit me. Great work.

Ebun Oluwole said...

I enjoyed this!


Anonymous said...

ok Afam, you got my attention, you are stupidly awesome and its weird cause i cant believe am embracing it and damn it feels so darn good!

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