Emergency blog:Notes on Parental Mind Control

It seems that due to the activities of a few risk taking people (risk taking people wasn’t the word I had in mind but it’ll have to do. I don’t swear anymore) several of you out there in the big wide world are like me. You’re twenty something year old college (I’m keeping it real with my American homies. That’s what you say in the States right?) and university graduates who live at home. I was supposed to have a kick ass job in London, or New York, that paid me truck loads of money, but look at me. I mean look at me. I’m working from my bedroom while my parents watch CNN in the next room. I don’t even watch CNN. I find that it’s better to read the news than it is to watch it. If I wanted to watch E (the entertainment channel that’s somehow almost synonymous with Kimmy K soon to be West) I’d watch E, since CNN is a little like serious E, it doesn’t get much watched much by me. My parents on the other hand just can’t get enough. And you know the risk taking people I was talking about in the first line don’t you? They’re the pesky bankers that literally blew up the world five years ago. If they hadn’t done whatever it is that they did, the life I imagined  I would have when I was twenty three would be mine. I’m not bitter at all but don’t give me an AK 47.

I was vastly unprepared for the move back home. My mom tempted me with promises of good food, and laundry that I wouldn’t have to do myself and constant access to a fueled car. She made it sound like I would be coming back to a hotel. I wasn’t. Parents lie. I should have known this. They still tell me that I’m more specialer and gifteder than everyone else out there. Sometimes it’s a welcome pick me up, but at other times it’s an are you kidding me right now? If I’m so special why am I in Lagos, and why don’t I have a job in Goldman? Why? Why? Why? Why?  They have the answer to that one too by the way. It’s, God didn’t want it for you… or it’s not the right thing for right now. To the God part, I think, “but what about what I want for me? Would it be so bad to actually have money?” And about the it’s not the right thing for now part I think, “But I needed the paycheck yesterday. There couldn’t be a righter thing for right now!” That’s what I get when my parents, tap into the mini Yoda that got implanted into their heads when those gametes met, and formed that embryo. Their questions are answers and their answers are questions, and their rhetorical questions work like mind control. “You know you’re going to be all right don’t you?” they say/ask, and for that moment in time, I believe it. Ten minutes later, I’m in my bedroom/office tearing out my hair screaming “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life!!” But I only scream in my mind. On the outside, I’m the three most annoying C adjectives that have ever been placed side by side alliteratively. Yes! You guessed it. I’m cool, calm and collected. 

This is the cue for ten years into the future me to walk into the room while I go take a shower and type, “don’t worry man. You’ll get everything you dreamed of and more.” If I get back and see that he hasn’t, my next article will be future me, reveal yourself.  

Happy days,

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