I Killed the Chicken!!!

Herro. You know who I am don't you? I'm Captain Reginald, Afam's dog, the most famous dog in all of Lagos.

Have you ever seen a better looking dog? I'd just had a bath, when this photo was taken, so I was quite depressed. 

Very soon I shall have my own instagram account and my own twitter account. Don't doubt me. I've smelled a brand new Samsung S4 in Papa Afam's underwear drawer. I'm fairly confident that it will be mine. That is if Afam doesn't sell me to the Area boys down the road. They hate me. They've got a price on my handsome head. I'm not joking. It's a little bit of a long story, but as Afam has gone to Agbero's house for pre-drinks before he goes to Likwid, I think I've got time. While we're on the subject of Likwid, I dislike the place immensely. I dislike anything that separates me from Afam, may he live forever. And that's probably why he's still single. You see, I'm not a generous dog. I do not believe that sharing is caring. I want Afam to myself. If I were to discern that there was another more important than me in his life, I would kill the owner snatcher.

Anyway, the Area Boys have a price on my head because I attacked one of their horses during one of my early morning walks with Afam. I could not resist the beast. It was brown and leggy. I've got a little bit of a thing for legs you see. I like to chew them, lick them, gnaw them and nip at them. You should see how I treat Afam's legs when he isn't paying attention. I'm on them like I would be on a bitch in heat. Not that I'd know what that's like... I'm a virgin. Don't tell anyone. Really. Don't. If you do I'll track you and shit on you. I listen to a lot of Nicki Minaj. And I'm fairly capable of shitting on anything and not giving a damn. Afam's usually there to pick it up so I really don't care about it once it's left my body. Yeah, I've taken a large dose of I don't give a shit about my shit medicine. See what I did there? I'm brilliant. Where was I? The area boys weren't happy with me at all.  They had chased me. And I ran. At first the run was glorious. The wind was in my face, and my muscles were rippling. If there'd been a bitch near by her tail would have been wagging. Then I realised that it wasn't a joke, that if they caught me, they would kill me before Afam could pay them off. I ran harder then, but they chased me harder still. They chased me all the way to the highway. I was about to fling myself at the ongoing traffic (What? I'm a pedigree dog. I'd rather be road kill than bushmeat any day of the week!) when Afam grabbed me. He was on the back of an Okada. I thought  he looked like a black, young and handsomer Indiana Jones.

After that incident I was banished to the naughty corner and I lost all inside house and treat privileges. When Mama Afam, asked Afam may he live forever why he saved me, he said, "Nobody but me has the right to kill that dog" and I agree. If you're not Afam, you really don't have the right to put me down. And I'm sure Afam would only put me down if I got cancer, was in unreasonable pain and it was inoperable. Do you know how I know this? Well, I was incredibly bad the other day and Afam still hasn't killed me. Let me tell you what I did.

The Afam household is in an instalment of Suburgatory somewhere in Lekki. Life's good here. There's always power, and the water is mostly clean. Everything about it is alright except the guy that lives across the road. The man thinks himself a little bit of a poultry man, so he has a good number of chickens in his yard. How absurd? Chickens have no place in suburgatory! Anyone with half a mind knows this. I've made it my life's mission to eradicate those chickens and restore the natural order of things. My campaign's stalled a little bit. I was caught with my mouth bloody sometime in June, and Afam had to walk over to the man's house and grovel for forgiveness. Seeing Afam grovel so hurt my soul, because Afam may he live forever, is a king. He stands over any and all men in every regard. Being the good dog that I am I haven't been back since but my God is a God of miracles. Just the other day, an escaping chicken flew into the Afam garden. It was Christmas come late. I killed it, ate it, and left the feathers and carcass for Afam to clean up.




And he did. He picked up the carcass, put it in a bag, and dumped it in the bin outside. I've ruined him. You see, because I'm fairly disgusting (and I am fairly disgusting, I shit where I like, pee where I like, fellate myself, eat human shit- I adore the stuff. It's just so nutty! - hump what I like, when I like, where I like) and Afam loves me, Afam has come to see love as a fairly disgusting thing to be avoided at all costs. I don't mind this too much though. He'll be mine and mine alone until the day I die.
 
Happy Days,
Captain Reg.


4 comments:

Beverly said...

I laughed every time at Afam - may he live forever.

Hesey D said...

I cudnt help but comment..Luvly piece Captain Reg, u a gr8 writer. Lol

Ms. Osaz said...

I feel like I know Captain Reg. now, and I'm not a dog person

Louis Kennedy said...

This is the funniest piece of shit I've read in a long time. Thank you captain Reg. for making me laugh so hard and long live Adam!! 😂😂

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