Nigerian Men are Weird and stuff... And a bunch of other stuff.

Oh my Days!! Today's been terrible. I know it's hump day and all but how the hell do I only have 126 page views? Have you been ignoring me again? How bad of you! You're all terrible and cruel and I hate you. That's the 13 year old girl that lives inside me. Whenever you see a tweet from me that says something like,

"OH MY GOD!! Nobody loves me!"

or 

OH My God, I'm never falling in love again!"

That's her. I call her Tweefam. Yeah, I fused tween and Afam together. I think she comes out of me whenever I'm on my man period. And you guessed it. I'm on my man period right now. I'm feeling weird and emotional for no good reason. I just burst into tears, because Shounen jump didn't come out today. Shounen jump is the japanese manga magazine that's got One piece, Naruto and Bleach. Don't make me explain what they are. Please? 


That's Toyin, in Stranger Lagos

Because the views are so pathetic, I've decided to write one off the cuff. And no this one isn't about man periods and Tweefam, the 13 year old, my pretty pony loving, annoying brat that lives inside me. It's about men. It isn't about all men. It's about Nigerian men and how weird they are. And Nigerian men are so weird. They're too weird to be understood. Maybe it's unfair, but they really are weird. They're so weird it's intimidating. Maybe that's why not many people seem to write about how weird Nigerian men are. For one of the most homophobic people in the world they're really really gay. You know what I mean don't you? You're talking to someone and all of a sudden their hand starts stroking your arm for no good reason. It isn't never even one stroke! It's stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, and stroke. If they had some sort of sexual interest in you, it would be understandable, but they hardly ever do. They just stay stroking. 

And don't let me get started on the hand holding. When I saw that the antigay bill proposed that public shows of same sex amorous relationships be punishable by 14 years in the slammer, I laughed a little. Nigerian men are professional hand holders. During prayer time, they interlock fingers. When they're crossing the road or walking side by side their hands draw to each other like they're negative bits of magnets. If that's what the sort of thing they're looking for, then the already full prisons will be fuller in no time. Last night as I strolled from Stranger, a concept store that I quite like in Lekki Phase 1 to my house, the hand holders were out in full force! There were like 6 of them! That's more than you'll see in Soho! (the gay bit of London)

If the weirdness of Nigerian men was restricted to the interactions they had with other men, I suppose we could say that gayness was something so foreign that it wasn't considered or thought about during normal interactions, but they're like this with women too. Has a Nigerian man ever refused to relinquish your hand after a handshake? I've seen it happen. It's the most unfortunate game of tug of war ever. The woman tries repeatedly to free her hand without upsetting the man, and he just clutches on oblivious to her discomfort. I suppose it would be alright if this sort of behaviour was restricted to night clubs and parties, but it happens everywhere! It's even worse when the overlong handshake become infected with the stroke. 

It becomes a...

Enter pervy weird Nigerian dude, Prince, and unfortunate Nigerian hunny, Nkechi.

Prince: Hello Nkechi, how was your night? 

He grabs her hand.

Nkechi: It was fine thank you. How was your own night?

She starts to try to release it but he's oblivious. 

Prince: It was fine. stroke. I had many many dreams - stroke - about our future - stroke-  You get me? stroke 

...

I think Nigerian women are unlucky. I suppose they're luckier than Iraqi women, but it doesn't change the fact that they're distinctly unfortunate in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn't have realised this if my country, Nigeria, hadn't sent me to Edo State for the paramilitary segment of my year of natural service. While there, I had this friend I called Ajebo. She went to Kings College London, and she had a little bit of a lewd body. Everything she did was sexy somehow. She was sexy without being sexual. Her voice was sexy, the way she flipped her braids was sexy, the way she frowned was sexy. Because of the sexiness she radiated seemingly unwittingly, she was like man crack. By the time we left camp,  I had a little bit of a crush on her. The feeling wasn't mutual. I think I'm going to have a cry again. How come the people I like don't like me? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? 

Anyway, back to Ajebo. In camp they were giving a lecture about something I really didn't give a flying shit about, when a guy planted himself in our field of vision. By our I mean, the Super Ts. The Super Ts was the name that I, Afam gave our group of friends. Of course every guy with half a brain knows the T, 

Never approach a fine gurrr when she's with her peeps, if you aren't charming, or ridiculously goodlooking, or super charming or if you haven't got a more than capable wingman.  

By Charming I mean Tom Cruise charming because I love him even though he's probably bat shit crazy. 

He didn't even speak. He motioned that she come over Morpheus style. You know? He wagged his waggable fingers and expected her to come up to him with her tail wagging. She didn't, so he strolled down to us and...

Enter obnoxious, stupid as hell, Nigerian dude, and Ajebo. For the sake of convenience let's call obnoxious bloody stupid Nigerian dude Bonnyface.  

Bonnyface: Why didn't you come over? Don't you know I'm a man?"

Ajebo: And so what if you're a man?

Bonnyface: You have no home training. Is that how you answer your father when he calls you?

Ajebo: Are you my father?

Bonnyface: I am a graduate and a prince. How dare you talk to me like that?

Ajebo: But aren't we all graduates?

Bonnyface: Well I graduated with a first class.

Ajebo: But what does that have to do with anything!!

At that point I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard, I wept. I laughed so hard that I fell to the ground. I laughed so hard that I choked on my saliva. He couldn't find the words after that. It was just as well because we couldn't spare the time. We wandered off and left him scowling.

 This is part of the reason Nigerian women are so unfortunate! This is 2013, and a university graduate thinks like this. I cannot understand it. If you look at it academically nothing he said was defensible. You see what I mean when I say that Nigerian men are weird? I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, he was the only one. You're thinking, "Afam, you can't carry an argument on one stupid stupid stupid son of the soil." And I'm not. He wasn't the only one. There were several! 

I could go on, but I've run out of whatever it is that I was on when this started. SHUT UP! Sometimes I get tired of talking about what I'm talking about. And I'm thinking that I should write another post about how Nigerians are STUPID. Don't even argue with me. I don't believe in doing things just because but a lot of people here seem to. I'm not Christian just because I'm Christian, believe me it'd be easier to not believe in anything. And I'm not going to get married just because people get married. If I want a child, I'll have a bastard and if I need someone in my bed, I'll get someone in my bed. I know I've veered off a little, but really, how can a graduate say to me, "Women are meant to be in the kitchen because they're meant to be in the kitchen!" That's the sort of thing that'll make me a murderer. Do you know where I'd be if Mama Afam didn't get her arse out of bed and go to work everyday? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU? And then what of the ones that say father's are meant to pay school fees, just because fathers are meant to pay school fees. If you're a graduate and you think like this, take your ass back to primary school.  

Happy Days,
Afam

4 comments:

Chukwudi Emmanuel Udegbunam said...

The shit some men get up too dey tire person sometimes. And to think some females would respond to this oaf and then transfer the madness to their girl child. Dark ages mentality.

I must say it's pretty wierd on so many levels for a guy to be stroking another without sexual intentions. If dem unfortunately pass the bill, Lord knows peeps would have to start scrutinizing their behaviours in public.

Anonymous said...

Yes. And Nigerian women are absolutely perfect. Hell, I wonder why they even bother with us men. They should just stick with themselves. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT? *rolls eyes*

Barbara said...

Ha perfectly put. I laughed and hmmed at the same time. Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Stumbled unto your blog from your BellaNaija post!!! Love it

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