IPNX is the name of the Afam household’s internet provider. The Afam household has four and a half internet users. There’s me (the baby of the house and most intense user of the internet), Mama Afam, Gbaddy, Bibi-Kun, and Papa Afam (who’s really only a half user. If you were to attempt to explain to him what peer to peer sharing was, he’d probably call you a wizard and a drug addict because all wizards are drug addicts. Come on! If you really think you moved that object with your mind, then home boi/gyal be trippin’)
When IPNX is good they’re really good. You can stream whatever, whenever, and it’ll be ridiculously quick and that’s because they use fibre optic technology. Now you’re probably thinking, “Ah GADDEM!! I need me some of that fibre optic stuff in my life! I’ve been downloading a 600kb file for two days! Two days! How much is it?” No worries there. I’ll tell you. It’s N15,000 for 15 gigabytes. That’s £60 for 15 gigabytes. That shit is more expensive than gold!!! It’s so bloody expensive! When I was away I paid £20 a month for quicker internet and what’s more, it was unlimited!! I suppose I wouldn’t be complaining so much if we actually received the services for which we paid. Our contractual relationship with IPNX has left us with more Wtf moments than we can count.
There was a time when we were apparently using 10 gigabytes per week, so we decided amongst ourselves to limit our internet use to emails, and web pages. We renewed our subscription and went about our data consumption in a miserly manner. But our parsimonious ways only made the situation worse. The internet finished in three days!!
It was then that I decided to write this piece because the charlatans are clearly heathens!! I mean how? How? How? How? AND bloody HOW? We wrote to them as we were wont to do and do you know what they told us? Lord Jesus sustain me. They said that we should password our internet. I nearly had a coronary. IPNX has shown me why a woman may choose to stay with her husband when he is beating her like a bombastic element. Don’t ask me what a bombastic element is. You should know better! Are you a drug addict? Eh? Eh? Eh? The advice they gave us was meaningless, because the Afam Household is anything but a charitable one. Mama Afam for one is a tax collector. She moves around the house like a thief in the night collecting stray thousand naira notes that she claims are owed her because none of her four dependents do anything to ensure their welfare. You know, I really don’t see why I should be loading my laundry into the washing machine when I have a cough cough 35 year old mother.
Mama Afam, I have no boxers left but the God-awful black and cerise Cheltenham college boxers. You know what to do! Cheers! I love you!
A few days later, they sent us an apologetic email admitting that their data usage monitoring facilities had been sniffing some cheap crack, but did they give us our money back? HELL TO THE NO!! But you know, this is a big improvement in our relationship. There was a point in time when we used to pay them every month for no internet. Still that is no excuse. We have become accustomed to better, so we will demand better.
They improved after that. The speed of the supposedly super fast internet slowed down considerably, but they managed to kill whatever bug it was that had been consuming our gigabytes like a starving gimp. We were content. However our contentment didn’t last long for IPNX has returned to their dubious ways. IPNX if you go offline between 10pm and 5am then how the how, am I, Afam, blogger of the universe, supposed to blog. Do you know I am engaged by the Nigerian government between the hours of 9am and 5pm.? What the hell are you doing? And thanks for telling us that one time. It doesn’t make up for the hundred thousand other times you went down for no goddamm reason leaving us completely stupefied as to the reasons for our sudden subscription suspension.
IPNX please, fear God! And if you do not fear God then fear Afam.