Notes on Gutter Press, Bad Press, and Cummins West Africa

Cummins why?

Cummins West Africa why?

I don't know what it is about paying customers. I mean, we people that pay for things must be daft, and that's because a $50,000 dollar generator is nothing to you. I mean you're Cummins, the biggest and the best right? What's the extra $50,000? What's the bad press, because this isn't good press. This is gutter press. For those of you who do not understand what gutter press is let me explain. Gutter press is when you routinely release the toxins that a company places within you by repeatedly serving you shit loads of bullshit into the world. For instance, a friend of mine said, "I can't wait till we get the new generator in." I said, "I hope it's not Cummins. It is better to have savings and no power, than it is to have a Cummins generator, and no savings." Does this sound libellous? Well, it isn't, because it is my truth. I am a the mouthpiece of a rightfully angry customer, every time any one mentions the word, generator, in my presence, I shall think about how spectacularly bad Cummins are, and because no filter exists between my brain and my fingers, or my brain and my mouth, the things I think will inadvertently leak out of my mouth, or spill from my fingers.

I need a little bit of a break so let's take a trip to the Cummins West Africa website shall we?

"Cummins is a global power leader that designs, manufactures, sells and services diesel engines and related technology around the world.
We at Cummins West Africa are a reliable provider of power generation systems, components and services in standby power, distributed power generation, as well as auxiliary power in mobile applications to meet the needs of a diversified customer base.
We take pride in distribution and installation of, generators, filters and related products that serve the varied needs of our customers"
That is what their website says. I have taken the liberty of rewriting it for them. I write copy for some of my living, so it wasn't a particularly difficult feat. Yes, I know, it's boring, but we've all got to eat. 

Cummins West Africa is a regional bundle of inefficiency, skulduggery and general bastardy that assembles, mis-sells and ill services diesel engines and related technology. 
We at Cummins West Africa are chronic sufferers of the customer is a bloody idiot disease. Yes, it is quite tragic. We're forced to believe that the customer is a bloody idiot even when the customer is not a bloody idiot, and this can be rather troublesome. 
For instance the Directors of Whispering Palms no longer say anything to us. We only speak to their lawyers and they aren't very friendly.  Every time we send an email to the Directors they say, "thank you very much kind sirs, we'll forward your email to our lawyers, please expect a reply from them soon." How rude! We at Cummins West Africa are an unreliable provider of power generator systems, components and services in standby power, distributed power generation, as well as auxiliary power in mobile applications that do not generally meet the needs of anyone."
We take no pride in the distribution and installation of, generators, filters and related products that serve the varied needs of our customers. 
I'm a fairly good copy writer aren't I? Just read it! Is it not brilliant? Are you dying for a Cummins generator now? Oh! You're not? Damn. You lot are a hard sell! 

For those of you who are new, this is what happened. Whispering Palms is a resort in Badagry, that lies by the Lagos Lagoon. When their old generator showed signs that it wasn't in it for the long haul Whispering Palms called Cummins in for a consultation. The Cummins technical team came in on two separate days, and then made a recommendation. The Directors of Whispering Palms looked at the recommendation and approved it. There were six weeks between payment and delivery. Cummins supplied a brand new generator that has effectively packed up three times in three months. The brand new generator that Cummins sold has had it's exciter changed twice (or was it thrice). The generator is supposed to be under warranty for a year, but none of the repairs were covered because they were as a result of environmental damage which is not covered by the warranty. Because the brand new generator does not work, Whispering Palms is currently renting another generator. 

Conclusion: Cummins West Africa supplied a generator that they knew could not work in the general Badagry area, so that Whispering Palms would be forced to pay for repeated repairs.

Analogy: When you go to a hospital to be treated for tonsillitis, but in-between the Operating theatre and your house, you get HIV. 

What has this got to do with Afam: Well, I don't like to swear, so from now until I get bored, or the situation changes, Cummins on the blog will be synonymous with every swear word that I know. 
Examples:
What the cummins are you doing?
You are a cumminsing idiot!
Make sure you flush the cummins down the toilet. 
I know that all cummins stinks, but your cummins is stinkier than most. 
etc.

I will be happy when Cummins come and collect their generator with a full refund. 

Cummins has buggered me, (This will also be a recurring theme)
Afam. 

1 comment:

Ann Ayinde said...

Wow!
I'm impressed....not with cummins, mind you, but with your write-up.
Its the first of your writings I have ever read....it definitely would not be the last.
Truly Impressive and Human.

As for the Cummins, all that comes to mind is:
....WTC!

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