I was going to write a straight up journalistic-ish piece about Azuka, and her hatchet job of Toke Makinwa, but I decided not to.
Azuka's article - http://www.thisdaylive.com/articles/the-good-bad-and-ugly-of-2014-headies-award/198291/
Azuka article drinking game. Take a shot for every poorly constructed sentence, a double for every typo/wrong use of a word, and a triple for every sentence that makes no sense
You know, that shit probably only took her an hour to write, and I was going to spend a significant number of hours ripping it apart. I was going to start with her appalling grammar, then I was going to move on to the fact that such a shitty article had appeared in a Newspaper that I think is supposed to be quite good. I mean, it’s Thisday not her personal blog.
For those of you that don’t live here, Thisday’s like Nigeria’s Washington Post or New York Times. They’re incredibly popular, but the frequency with which they publish shitty articles like that one is worrying. I suppose I need to do perform an opinion adjustment. If she thinks it’s fine, and if her editor thinks it’s fine then I won’t complain. I mean, it’s like a 24 year old complaining about Tellytubbies or Barney or Dora the Explorer. They don’t care about you. You are not their target audience. Without much lateral thinking at all it is easy to see that the same applies to Thisday. If you’re educated, and a reasonably good speaker of English then it isn’t for you.
Instead of introducing you to a terrible writer I thought I’d do something better. I’m going to introduce you to Toke Makinwa. I’m not going to introduce you to Toke, the fake celebrity, or the rumoured bleacher, because I don’t know who the hell that is. I’m going to introduce you to Toke the pretty, the reserved, the well put together and the polite.
When I first moved back I played with the rumours. I found them amusing. It was fun to take public opinion as fact and apply the rumours to blog posts like moisturiser. I’ll give you an example. A year ago, if you asked me about Toke I’d have said, “Ah that prolific bleacher with the fake accent.” Don’t judge me. I was 23 and stupid. I’m still stupid but at least I’m a stupid man with a conscience. If you say something about someone that you don’t know to be true and they go and repeat it to someone else then what have you done exactly? If you say that someone is talentless when they’re trying to make it as a musician then what are you trying to do to their career? We often let criticisms of work done transform themselves into personal attacks. When it’s funny it’s somewhat permissible. We all love a guilty laugh. But when it isn’t funny then you’re literally a sniper, hiding at a brilliant vantage point tossing shade like a shit packer tosses shit. In this regard I’m lucky. A large number of you think I’m funny. Sometimes I’m Haha funny, and at other times I’m Hehe funny, and when I’m not funny at all I’m talking about myself.
It is also important to say that when you’re writing things about things, you cannot be a hater of everything. It’s literally impossible if you’re mentally alright. If you’re not mentally alright I can help. My therapist will appreciate the business and I will appreciate the pat on the back that I give myself when I do good.
So back to Toke. I like Toke. I really like Toke. She’s respectful, she’s pretty and she tries hard! She’s also not very up in herself. I mean, she let the tv show that I work for film her without make up. That’s not a small girl move. If she looked as good without make up as she does with it then i’d have said, “Ah! This one doesn’t have any flaws.” But she didn’t look nearly as good without make up! The chick looked tired. Not tired as in spent, but tired as in I’m busting my ass trying to make something of myself. There was one time that I selfied with her. She was a bit professional about it, but I didn’t mind that. It’s difficult to get pally with a blogger. You’ll be like OMG, me and Afam really hit it off, only to find that Afam has gone and called you a ho, a slave and a villain on his blog. It happens. Bloggers can be dicks. I can be a dick.
So what should you take away from this?
I’m not entirely sure but I’ll try to summarise.
Toke is awesome.
Azuka is a terrible writer. She’s so terrible that she should consider switching careers. That’s harsh so I’ll do it again.
Azuka should learn to proof read. If the writing is perfect then everyone will marvel at your skill not wonder what your beef is with Toke, who’s awesome.
Azuka should disturb her editor, because he/she doesn’t like her.
Azuka should really learn to read things again. The bloody article has been up for three days without an edit, and it needs one! By God! It needs an edit even more than I need a scrape and polish (The teeth have been looking a little bit meh lately.)
I can’t deal with Thisday. How could you? Of course if they offered me money I would forget about their absent editors and become a Thisday fanatic. I’d be like, Thisday is great, and Thisday is awesome, and Thisday is the bomb diggity.
Azuka should go back to school.
Toke is funny. I legit laugh whenever I watch her vlog.
Toke is really really good looking.
Toke’s selfie game is fleek (I’m not quite down with that phrase but I’m a trier.)
Don’t violence people with words because you can. Think carefully about it and then do it. And if you do do it, please try, try, try, and try to make it funny. When it’s funny it stings less.