How to take care of your woman

A little bit under a year ago, I decided to have a little fun by stringing together all the bad advice I read in magazines and blogs here. You know? The ones that say, "you must do this and that for your man, and you must bend over backwards to accommodate this fully grown adult. And I wasn't with it. No, I wasn't feeling it at all. So I wrote this article that I called How to Take care of your man

A little while after that I thought about writing a sequel and so I did. With the sequel I really went for it. I don't know that it's my best work but, I had fun writing parts of it. It's fun to write the villain and believe me when I say that the god dog alien man is the worst sort of villain. You may want to write this one off as the Ramblings of a Madman, and they are, but there's truth to them. Sometimes when I say things you lot look at me like what?! And then you say really really nasty things like the following. 

Harpo is apparently something quite similar to white trash. I had to check the urban dictionary for that. Don't worry about me. I wasn't hurt. This was how I looked at the time.

But even if the article isn't sarcastic, is it really that odd? I read stories about violence against women all the time, and the only thing worse than the stories themselves is the comments. 

It would be lovely to think that people like this are a part of the insignificant minority, but let's be real, they're not. So here's me being incredibly hateful, and rude and mean about women in general. If you agree with any part of this article then you're part of the problem. 


I told your women how they should take care of you, because let’s face it, you’re terrible at looking after yourselves. Dishes are acidic, and laundry is the devil.  Does this sound absurd? It really isn’t. You must forget that you aren’t just a man, you’re a dog god alien man, powerful in theory, name and pocket. This week I’ll give you a few lessons about the acceptable husbandry of your women. 
Before we begin we must note one fundamental difference between women and men. While there is only one kind of man, that is, the dog god alien man, there are very very very many types of women. You must think of her as legion for  she’s largely governed by the unfortunate curse of menses that turns every cough and laugh into a violent explosion of blood clots and womb lining. I’m not joking. I too once thought that auntie Flo was just some chilled aunt that came to town once a month if she was lucky. I didn’t know it was like, auntie floflo came to town riding on a blood truck, she gushed her innards in her pant and left her on her death bed. Auntie floflo kept her up, auntie floflo…
Do not doubt me when I say that the woman being is not a normal human being.
Lesson 1:
Your woman is your property. Some of you might actually have paid for your woman, but don’t worry about it if you didn’t. You see, the moment your woman agreed to creep with you on the low, be your one of many, be your one and only, or to ditch her terrible surname for yours, she signed away all rights to herself. Now that she is yours, she’s your barbie girl, in a not so barbie world. You can brush her hair and take her anywhere. It’s fantastic. You must be her stylist, her secretary, her receptionist, her dietician, her weight checker, her spiritual guide, and her bank. However you must remember that she is permanently indebted to you for saving her from the seemingly eternal damnation that is the single life. It is perfectly acceptable to demand that the debt be settled.But remember that your woman is a revolutionary in the making. You must put her down and keep her in her place or else she will usurp you, and defeat you. It’s a battle of the sexes. You’re penis bound to help the side.
Lesson 2:
Your barbie girl of a honey, is a China doll. As it is a china doll, there are many ways to treat it. The moment you buy it, you can leave it on the shelf to gather dust and cobwebs, or you can smash it from time to time, and glue the fractured pieces together. Whatever you decide to do is fine. If you damage it too much, just remember that there are hundreds of other china dolls in the shop looking for new homes. Your woman is your prerogative.
On a side note, it isn’t uncommon for things that smash to splinter. If she splinters you’ll end up in your pastors office discussing marital issues you didn’t know you had while the entire congregation runs live commentary as your beloved woman wears her best, “the evil bastard doth wound me with every breath he draws” look.
Lesson 3:
Your China barbie, is an emotional wreck. You must take control of her like the Holy Spirit takes control of all situations to give her some semblance of emotional stability. If she does not agree to be stable, then you may lock her up in a spare room for a number of years, leave her outside on the doorstep like you’d do something that you plan to donate to charity, or commit her to a mental hospital for an emergency lobotomy. Remember, your woman is your property, all things are permissible, and defensible, even if they may not be advisable.
Of course the game changes if you’re wealthy. As it was said in every rag to riches Nollywood movie ever made, “no condition is permanent, the cray fish of yesterday is the shark of tomorrow.” Beware of uncalled for visits divorce lawyers or her Babalawos. (Traditional medicine man)
Lesson 4:
You must study your woman to discover her breaking point. This is the point, when the glue that holds her delicate china pieces comes undone. When this happens, you have a problem on your hands. After she has done whatever it is she decides to do while in the throes of her passionate imagined dissatisfaction  she’ll go to her other lady friends, who are all Jezebels and say, “he had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it, I bet that you would have done the same.” Of course she’ll only do this after you come home from work to discover that she has flavoured your rice and stew with a healthy amount of rat poison. So you must push her, but not too much.
Lesson 5:
You must train your woman. You must be the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Dolittle. You must teach her to walk the walk and talk the talk. She is your ambassador. You cannot allow her to go and embarrass you in public, so you must make her study your ideologies and your philosophies like she studied for Jamb/A Levels. If you think she’ll become a Louis Vuitton tote toteing, Chihuahua loving, foreign accent having, China barbie doll of a woman overnight, think again. But remember that every woman is different in this regard. Not everyone can be a genius. If your woman is a dullard then you may install your mother in her life to drum in all the lessons that she has refused to learn. Your mother is like a free lesson teacher. You must work her like a slave to ensure that when your woman goes out with you in public she passes with flying colours.
Lesson 6:
You must ignore your woman because she is an emotional terrorist. And you all know how you deal with terrorists don’t you? You never negotiate with them. America, doesn’t negotiate with them so why should you? Do you want your relationship to end up like a caricature of Nigeria where your China Barbie doll of a woman receives a healthy stipend for causing you grief.
Lesson 7:
Your woman is a bucket of insecurity. I know everyone says that you should be open but that’s the wrong way to go about things. If a damn fine lady is hitting on you at work, why on earth would you inform your woman about it? She’ll run an inquisition on the spot, and you’ll have to answer for every time you worked late or snuck out for a cigarette. Even if you provide satisfactory answers to all the questions she puts forward, you’ll have sown a ninja seed in her. The next time she sees that damn fine coworker she’ll put all the wine throwing and social harassment skills she’s learned from the Real House Wives of Atlanta to good use. You won’t even see it coming. All you’ll hear is “B**** you’re going down!”
Lesson 8:
Your woman loves being at home. If she decides that she must work, it is only because you aren’t working hard enough or she’s pleasantly deluded. If she’s deluded there’s no reason why you should end her delusions. Allow her to maintain her fantasies about helping the world become a better place and making a valuable contribution to society because you know that deep down inside she really wants to socialise with her friends, and sit at home idly. The most engaging activity that a woman can partake in without seriously harming body, mind and/or spirit is the trading of biscuits, Biros and other such paraphernalia. 
The worst thing you could do to a woman would be to allow her be the breadwinner. If she’s the breadwinner then she’ll start stealing your trousers from your wardrobe. Once that happens, you’ll lose the ability to make any decisions without her approval. This is fatal to your unearthly status as a dog god alien man.

Like I said in the beginning if you believe you're a dog god alien man, then you probably need to live on an Island because you've got issues and I'm not sure that they can be fixed. But if you don't believe that you're a god dog alien man, then don't act like one. Screw assumed gender roles, because I think that we're coming to a time when they genuinely won't matter. You won't be able to batter your wife, and then listen to the judge say, "Go and talk to your parents about it. See if you can stick it out." And that's it really. Next I think I'm going to talk about breast feeding in public. 

Happy Days,

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