The Vices of Mr Bond - His style is not one of them...

I have known of James Bond for as long as I've been alive. He's essentially, the most visible example of Witchcraft, Wizardry, Sorcery, or flagrant Vampirism in the world.

I refuse to believe that there's some new medical procedure that's helped him stay between 31 and 42 for 53 years! And I absolutely refuse to believe that it's a code name. There can't be that many men with deathly alcoholism, chronic commitment issues, profound womanizing disease, and the most terrible loathing of disabled people in all the world.

I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "But how the Vladimir Putin does Afam know that James Bond has some rather frightening feelings about disabled people?" I shall break it down for you Villain by Villain.

Dr Julius, Amputee, boiled to death!
I mean... Couldn't Bond just have shot him and been done with it. It's a ridiculous way to kill a man!

Emilio Largo, blind in the left eye, shot through the back with A SPEAR GUN!  
Talk about Overkill. 

Ernst Stavros Blofeld, Paralyzed, Incineration.
Can someone say fire and brimstone

Tee Hee Johnson, hand eaten by crocodile, tossed off a speeding train.

Francisco Scarmanga, three nipples, shot in the heart #heartshot.
Finally! Something humane. If being shot through the heart can be called humane.

Karl Stromberg, webbed hands, multiple shots to the penis.
Have Mercy Bond! It's supposed to be Bang bang he shot me down, not Bang Bang I no longer have a Penis. 

Alec Trevelyan, Sever Facial Scarring, tossed 50 stories and then crushed by metal debris.
Because he wasn't dead enough after falling down the equivalent of a sky scraper!

Le Chifre, he had a weeping bloody eye (quite disgusting, really), head shot.

Raol Silva, horrendous looking he had no jaw and he was in terrible need of a dental appointment, stabbed in the back.

There is also the matter of his promiscuity. In all the years that I've seen him in action, I have never once seen him with a condom! Does he have a latex penis or do his magical vampire body switching powers prevent him from catching STDs? Or maybe it's that he reconstructs his body everytime he gets a new potentially fatal infection.

And what of his alcoholism? How many vodka martinis can a human being possibly consume without being a functional alcoholic or gaining a liver with the same constitution as a stone?

As far as I can tell, the only good thing about Bond is his sense of style. He really does know how to pull of a suit.

Look at him on the left. I'd be so taken with the suit that I'd literally forget to dodge. I only have one good suit and I've got an affinity for hand me downs.

A charcoal grey double breasted suit, a white shirt and a red tie. I can't tell if it's a match made in heaven or in hell. All I can tell you, is that every man should aspire to look like this at least once in his life.

Happy Days,
Thanks to Suit Direct for these epic illustrations about Bonds present and past. 

Also, thank you internet for revealing Bond's apparent hatred for the disabled. I do not think I would have noticed it without you. Particular thanks should go to the Funny or Die team, for I laughed and I didn't die. 

For more about how to look like Bond without killing, drinking or shagging like him, please go here-

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