The Curious Incident of The Lochmess at Night Time

Source: Chan-Fan (Wikicommons)

Ryan Lochte is a rather interesting character. For the everyday man on the street he is a reminder that there is a God. If he had been as clever as he is handsome, he would have joined the league of truly enviable gentlemen. As things stand he is the Olympian no one aspires to be. His peers will likely stay silent about his most recent gaff, but there are few things less attractive than a person caught in an unnecessary lie.

On Sunday, the news on the worldwide web was that Lochte and his friends survived an ordeal. Their taxi was stopped by armed robbers. The highway men reportedly pointed a gun at Lochte's head and did the your money or your life routine that they're infamous for. Lochte said: "whatever" and proceeded to part with his wallet but not his phone or his credentials.  In his words:

"We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over … They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn't do anything wrong, so — I'm not getting down on the ground.
And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, 'Get down,' and I put my hands up, I was like 'whatever.' He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials."
I have not yet met the man who says whatever when a gun is placed against his forehead. It is something that only the truly suicidal would dare, and from what we've seen of Lochte I'd say that he lacks the introspection necessary for such grim tendencies.

When Lochte and his team-mates got back to the Olympic Village, all reports seem to indicate that Lochte told his mother of the ordeal. Lochte's mother, Illeana then told USA Today and possibly Fox Sports Australia. Two hours later, Lochte gave an interview to NBC's Billy Bush where he told his side of the story.

It should come as no great surprise that the Brazilian police took the story very seriously. Brazil has not been cut any slack when it comes to the Olympics. Leading up to the Olympics the vast majority of the coverage they received painted the South American country as the child that dreamed too big. All we heard about was their unreadiness for the games. They had to follow it up, and they did so with great flair.

Their investigation proved that Lochte's moonlight robbery wasn't a robbery at all. He and his mates violenced a filling station and were apprehended for it. They reportedly paid $400 to get out of the jam. How that incident turned into a first class example of banditry, I'll never know. It's the same way I'll never really know if Lochte is who everyone says he is: America's sexiest douchebag (Jezebel), a scaldingly hot goon (Hairpin), more bimbo than bro (Slate), sex idiot (30 Rock), dumb (New Republic), the sweet, loving, irresponsible, foolish boy (The Guardian), most embarrassing Olympic athlete (Houston Chronicle).

Happy Days,

Minor Contemplations:

It will be interesting to see how his sponsors react to this one. You can't really spin your way out of CCTV.

He needs a crisis manager yesterday. Clubbing is one of the swiftest routes to an empty pocket. Lochte may swim like a fish but he also drinks like one. It'll be a shame if he drinks it all away because chances are his multiple streams of income are drying up.


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