If you're pre-diabetic and in the mood for a party fit for vampires of cake and calories, there's only one club in Lagos for you. Velvett. Not to be mistaken for the fabric that you only see on Lagosians who have a definite love for sweat patches and body odour or velcro, the reason I nearly murdered my last tailor.
Opened in the Harmattan of 2014 by the fatter, older, infinitely blacker, less hair having, but just as single Nigerian version of Russel Brand, the restaurant cum bar cum nightclub can be found bang in the middle of Lagos' Little Lebanon (it's definitely little something vaguely Middle Eastern. I can't tell where exactly. That A I got in my Geography A level clearly had a great impact on my life.)
This place has everything: A cash money stealing ghost that's taken up permanent residence in the drinks menu, vibing and vibalicious Afropolitans, shooting stars, the 30 year old guy that failed to adult (we love him anyway), and the impossibly beautiful girls of the yet to be formed theatre and dance troupe, Ruffles R Us.
As far as I know, this joint is utterly devoid of bouncers because they drove off in DJ Cuppy's new G-Wag. It does however have a password: I will chop your money like wan-tin-tin.
So run on down this weekend. It's lit!