I woke up to an imessage from Afam that said: "You probably shouldn't go to work because you're currently a cesspit of disease and that's putting it mildly. With any luck you'll take the day off and write like your life depends on it."
He was right. After a late contraction of the Harmattan flu, I'm convinced that my body is almost entirely made of mucus. I'm sick enough that leaving my bed today is an unrealistic dream, but I'm not ill enough to not work. I've got a jug of lemonade, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a cup of Jinseng tea beside me so don't worry. I have it on good authority that this is all you need to beat the flu.
As interesting as my battle with the plague is we'll have to abandon my battle with the flu for a more interesting topic: Freeze and Masturbation.
Freeze is an on air personality that I simply have no time for. If I had one wish it would be that he'd shut up. I do not wish him well, I do not wish him the best, I wish that he would put a sock in his mouth and leave it there. His mouth runs on the devil's bile and SPEED. It spews rubbish and nonsense with such regularity that his address should be the dustbin. However even the most villainous villains in all the land are fated to have at least one good day every decade, and it turns out that his happened rather recently.
Enter Afam with an editorial interlude
Easy Tiger. Even though Freeze appears to speak without much thought with worrying frequency it is far better to be polite to the point of rudeness than it is to be straight up rude. For the record this errant thought and probable symptom of Jack Daniels induced liberalism is not my position on Freeze or the blog's for that matter. It's simply a man calling it as he sees it.
The whole thing began when a young man asked Freeze if wanking/beating the baton/stroking the disco stick was bad. And he asked this because he's probably been going at it like a crazy sex addict. He even asked about sex toys, which is fairly alternative when you're Nigerian.
When I read the question which suffers from far too much arse kiss, I thought Freeze would say something like, "Don't masturbate because that's how the devil ties the destinies of men in his enormous calabash." But the OAP surprised me. In a rare display of common sense, Freeze said that it was probably fine and that God would probably understand. The first reason he cited was health. It has been proven more than once that men who empty their sperm banks almost daily are less likely to develop prostate cancer later on. The other explanations he gave were a little wonky.
He implied that because boys aren't getting married at 13 like they did in the time Moses, and because men no longer have thousands of concubines, it's okay to masturbate.
I mostly agree. In Lagos I'm almost completely celibate. If I didn't have my right hand helping out from time to time I think I'd go mad! I'd walk into a bar, see something that looks like a girl, get down on one knee and propose instantly. Christianity says that adultery and fornication are bad, and that's fair enough. Somehow, doing it on my own seems like the lesser evil.