Tales from Captain Reginald: Anything Goes

"In olden times a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking but now God knows,
Anything goes.
When Grandmama whose age is 80 in night clubs is getting matey with Gigolos,
 Anything goes.
Good authors too, who once knew better words now only use four letter words writing prose,
Anything goes."
                                                                                        From Anything Goes Soundtrack.

You might wonder how I a dog have managed to commit so much of the song Anything Goes from the musical Anything Goes to memory. When I was younger Afam and I showered together.While he was extremely particular about the products he used (Original source Lime or Mint), he was even more particular about his set list. Whenever he thought he was alone he would lift his head to the heavens and proclaim to the shower head

"nobody ever had a dream round here but I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me."
Sam's Town by the Killers

If the house was especially quiet, he would turn his gaze to Katy Perry and all things equally fruity and cheesy including some theatre pieces like anything goes. I could never really tell why he sang that song in particular for it seemed like quite the sarcastic number. Why should anyone who has any sense make light of the craziness in the world? Shouldn't all purveyors of such madness be punished? It was only recently that I found out why.

It started at about 1 in the morning on a Sunday. As you can imagine I was on full patrol duty for I am Captain Reginald, the cleverest rottweiler of them all (Mama Afam disagrees but I find that it's necessary to build up my self confidence by complimenting myself at any chance I get). A drunken lout was singing on the road just beyond the high electrified fence that guards the Afam compound. He was providing his own percussion by marking each line with the sound of a bottle breaking. His song was most peculiar.

The Drunken Lout's Song:

I heard a woman drove on a mono directional road,
doo be doo be doo
She was driving a Range Rover 
la la la la la
Shouldn't she know better?
no no no no no
A bus driver drove on the same one directional road,
la la la la la
He knocked down and killed a traffic official
lo lo lo lo lo 
The woman was detained with her two month old babe
wa wa wa wa wa
She was accused of murder,
dum dum dum dum dum
Isn't that grand?
At all, at all at all.

Lekki Toll, Lekki Toll,
How many years has it been?
Lekki Toll, Lekki Toll,
It's not your fault.
Lekki Toll, Lekki Toll, Lekki Toll.
no no no no no
Charging us for traffic
so so so so so
You won't even fix the street lights. 
fa fa fa fa fa
Isn't that Swell?
Yes, Yes, Yes!

The Lekki toll plaza on a good day. Even with so little traffic it still manages to look chaotic.

Unfortunately the lout didn't get to finish his chune because at that moment I heard a loud bang accompanied with a brief flash of light. I can't tell you what colour the flash was as I only see in black and white. At that I raced to my Vantage Point for some surveillance.

(I can't tell you where this is for security purposes. All I can say is that contrary to public opinion I was not hiding behind bullet proof doors watching the scene unfold from Afam's window)

I can't tell you what happened to our drunken fool, but since his body was not found the next morning, I can only conclude that he moved his solitary party elsewhere. However, there was a little bit of an operation going on. About four or five armed bandits were stalking towards citilodge (a hotel in Lekki) with deadly intent. They were halted by a volley of bullets sent their way. They quickly took cover and exchanged fire with the policemen for about an hour after which they both packed up and went home. It was certainly terrifyingly exciting. 

I recalled the days of my youth, when my idea of security was doing a poo at the foot of the gate to keep out the baddies. There were certainly no shoot outs then. When I expressed my concerns to Afam, he listened with great attention and said 

"If a woman and her child were held for an unreasonable amount of time for a crime that her accusers knew she did not commit, and a company can charge for services that are not rendered, then is it so surprising that there are shoot outs in our backyard?"

He continued,

"You might think that I'm restricting my criticism to the Lekki Concession Company (they're the folks that collect the toll on the road) but I'm not. It seems to be very much on trend. Nigerian business men are infinitely clever. They're mode of doing business is so exceedingly crafty that you have to wonder why we keep subscribing to these services. IPNX, an internet providing company has had various problems with their base stations in Lekki and Aja. While they suffered these problems it could take as long as 30 minutes to load a single page but they kept charging, and we kept paying. Even the people that fumigate our house say that they've fumigated but then the very night that they claim to have fumigated there's still a mosquito bonanza. When I had that glo (a Nigerian telecommunications company) line, I can swear that half the time I didn't get the blackberry services that I paid for every month. "

"So Captain, if all these things can happen then Anything goes!!! Furthermore it's far more exhausting to complain about things than it is to laugh about them."


Happy Days,
May Your Dog Days be at an end.

Afam and Captain Reginald.

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