How to take care of your dog god alien man

Originally published on Bellanaija

Lesson 1:
Your man is not a man. He is a god. You must apply this lesson to all the other lessons that will follow this one. When things get a little bit bizarre, come back to our first lesson and remember, there’s nothing at all manly about your man.

Lesson 2:
Your man is a god, and you are not a woman, but woman. Your individuality has no meaning when it comes to looking after your man. There’s no personal trait you can offer him. You must be bland and gentled. You must kill your soul. Your personality is of no consequence. If you think you’re an Ifemmelu or an Elizabeth Bennet, you better domesticate yourself, if not, that finger on your left hand will be barren forever. If the finger isn’t barren, then you must remember that no condition is permanent.

Lesson 3:
Your man is not only a god, but also a dog. It is tragically incapable of looking after itself. You must clean up after it, brush its hair, soothe its temper, and cuddle with it.

Lesson 4:
The name of the game is long suffering. You must suffer, and suffer, and suffer, and suffer, on behalf of your dog god man. If he cheats on you absorb it, it is his way. If he slaps you, why were you being such a stupid ho? Don’t you know that if you don’t talk right you are liable to be slapped? And isn’t a kiss with a kick* better than none?

Lesson 5:
Your god dog man’s words are gold to your ears. Every time he talks you must position your eyes and ears to catch every minute detail. God gave you two ears and one mouth for this purpose. Don’t get it twisted. Your views don’t matter. You shouldn’t even have views. Your views are your man’s views. You are a parrot. The chain of command is from your man’s brain to your pretty lips. If your man says that your father was born in a toilet and that Cancer is spread by flies and that periods are contagious, you better quote him without reservation.

Lesson 6:
Your man… I mean your god dog man, is like a Ken doll. All god dog men are equal. There is no difference between them. That’s why all the relationship advice you’ve been reading is gold. And that’s why you must never cheat. The next god man, will be exactly the same as the previous god man, so there’s really no point sleeping around. Furthermore, there are a million million other women who are dying (and I mean dying) to be in your shoes. If you cheat, your god man will kick you out, and replace you within the week.

Lesson 7:
Your family loves your god man more than they love you. If you mess up, get maltreated and go to your family to complain, your family will go to your god man to apologise on your behalf because you are worthless and valueless. Your value can only be measured by how much your man loves you.

Lesson 8:
If your family is peculiar and happens to love you more than your god man, do not tell them about your god man. They will wreck your marriage and return you to the curse and pestilence upon your soul that is singleness. You must be silent. They mustn’t know. They mustn’t hear a goddamn word from your lips about your man’s not so brilliant ways. Your man is a god, generous in his stinginess, and loving in his cruelty.

Lesson 9:
You have no desire. Your desire is your man’s desire. You must do it, whenever, if ever your man is ready, however he wants to do it, whichever way he wants to do it with and whatever he wants to do it with. This is the price you must pay, for this was the deal you made when you decided that you needed to have a dog god man to be happy.

Lesson 10:
If your husband strays from your bed, it is your fault. You were not hot enough. You did not keep it tight enough. You did not do him enough. You let yourself go. Even if you gained no weight, you lost your coquettish nature. You messed up. Yup, it’s all your fault. I’ll say it again. It’s all your fault.

Lesson 11:
Remember, your man is a dog god. You must praise him. Praise him, and pet him and praise him again. If you don’t the size of his ego will deflate and you will be unhappy because his ego is your happiness. Beyonce is happy because Jay Z has a very big ego. She said it in her song, Ego. If you do not fill his ego tank, he will go to the ego black market, and you know what that means don’t you? “Ekaete she done get belle oh”

Lesson 12:
Your dog god man is like a second hand car. If you do not need him he will spoil from lack of use. So you must need him like a drug addict. You must need him for everything. You are woman. You are useless. You cannot do anything without your man, so you must need him. Need him I say. If you do not need him, he will break down and crawl to the mechanic, where he will be picked up by someone who needs him more.

Lesson 13:
Your god dog man is perfect. He was perfect when he was born and he’ll be perfect when he dies. He can’t change. If he likes wearing red socks, he will never ever wear black socks, because that would be like asking a chicken to fly and chickens can’t fly. He can’t change so you must become a chameleon. Working woman by day, house girl in the evening, and sex worker by night. You can do it. The Lord is your strength.

Lesson 14:
Your dog god man isn’t just a god dog man, he is an alien. Yes. He is from Jupiter and you are from Pluto. Jupiter is the largest planet in out solar system and Pluto was the smallest when it was still a planet. Now, Pluto is only an ex planet. That is your place as woman in the grand scheme of things. So not only are you less than your dog god alien man, you must also be content with excuses from your girlfriends like, “It isn’t his fault! He’s not built the same as us” because they’re true.

Lesson 15:
Your man is a professional food critic and a glutton. Does your ogbono soup taste like it looks? Does your Ofe Nsala offend him more than it makes him say Shalala? Then your marriage, or your relationship is about to get rocky because he’s going to step in the name of his stomach to Mama Hooters. And we all know that that’s only the beginning don’t we. What? You’re thinking it’s not that bad… You’re thinking what happened to take out. Well, it seems that dog god alien men don’t do take out, because home cooked meals are EVERYTHING!

Now you could live by the rules above. God knows it’s possible, just as we all know it’s possible to find a man who really believes he’s a god dog alien man. But… wouldn’t that be such a pitiful existence? When the story is presented without the filters of emotions and experiences is this not how a lot of people live because they fear that the alternative would be worse? I wouldn’t wish it on you. I wouldn’t wish it on my sister. And I wouldn’t wish it on my daughter. Even if society demands that you live with the entitled monsters that it has created, be strong enough to demand more. If man is a dog god alien, then it’s safe to say that you’re a dog god bitch of an alien. You are not less. You are never less. You’re only ever equal or better.

*kiss with a kick, is a triple entendre. In the original I made it kiss with a fist because that's the more conventional adage, but I really meant to write kiss with a kick. It could be a kiss with a an actual street fighter kick, a kiss with an extra sum sum kick, and the kick you do with one of your legs because that's what The Princess Diaries said you should do when the kiss was just too much. 
Brief notes on the article:

When I wrote this one, I was writing some copy for a client. It was a little bit weird that I was writing two completely different things simultaneously. Who said men can't multi-task eh? Anyway, I was disturbed by the shocking number of "take care of your man" articles out there. I cannot fathom why a man is essential. Sometimes we make deals that are senseless. Yes, you have a husband but now you're depressed. Yes, everyone thinks you've got everything but you know you've got nothing. And then you'll die. That'll be it. There has to be more to life than walking on eggshells for the sake of someone else. So, I took all the advice I'd heard over the years, and I wrote it down. I stripped it down and presented it as I saw it. That's what I generally try to do on the blog. The result was caustic sarcasm that covered its ass. As a writer, you must cover your ass. It's particularly essential when you're dealing with controversial issues, that apply to so many people. 

Mama Afam didn't like it. She thought it was too real. She said she knows too many people who lived like that to find it funny, no matter how ridiculous the writing got. I didn't want to stick the disclaimer on the end of it, at first. I thought my feminist credentials would show everyone that it was satirical, but my editors advised me to cover my ass, and so I did. 

This one was very well received by the Bellanaijarians who read it all the way through. I did however enjoy some of the comments from the people that didn't.

Luis Garavito: Admitted to the rape and murder of 147 young boys.
Pedro Lopez: Accused of raping and killing over 300 girls across South America. 
I quite liked this one. It made me laugh. Dog god alien fucker... it's very very very catchy. 
Happy Days,


Anonymous said...

Top Afamzer says:


Itoro Usoro said...

This just shows that people don't actually read or perhaps are hard of understanding.
Kudos Afam! I enjoyed every bit of it. I am now following.

Anonymous said...

wow...some people are a bit off kilter

Osaretin Osadolor said...

The trick is to find the will to finish it. Its great to know we play for the same side

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