The AMVCAs nominees cocktail thingy

I am weak. This weekend was beyond tough. Sorry, I've got to stop for a minute because the music playing at Cafe Neo is just so bad! It's worse than bad! I've got ants crawling in and around my head because of this. Normally, I wouldn't complain about bad music but their music is usually good and when it's not it's low enough that it doesn't bother you. Oh well, what's an Afam to do?

Because there's just so much that happened I thought, "Afam, why kill the fans with way too much content? When you could split it down the middle?"

It's a reasonable thought is it not? That way you get twice as much as you would have otherwise. I don't get blogger's fatigue halfway. Oh my afamzers my heart is singing for there is so much material in my mind. Sometimes, I feel threatened by the whiteness of my word processor. The empty page says fill me! Fill me geddemit! And I think, "but with what kind sir? With what?" Well, we don't have that problem today, because I've got two years worth of stuff to talk about. I don't know that this one will be as funny as you're used to, but I can't apologise for that. My heart is full, and it takes more than laughter to fill a heart. There's the story of how well I've done, and how much has changed, and how bright the future is. Even if I don't see it, even if I don't know what tomorrow holds, I know that the future is as bright as General Buhari's forehead.

Turn to your neighbour, and say, "NEIGHBOUR!"

I said say, "NEIGHBOUR! The future is Bright!"

"The Future is brilliant!"

"I may not find drink some Wilson's lemonade today, but the future is still a wondrous spectacular spectacular!"

"May the Lord butter your bread this Monday."

And if you don't believe that there's a Lord, or you don't believe in the Christian God, then lift your head up and scream to the heavens, or the clouds, or the promise of sunshine and declare that your future is as fantastic as the bottle of fanta that you're going to buy today. Before we begin, I will take a moment to tell you that Fanta is a true sign that the universe is working for you, and that Nigerian fanta is the best fanta in the world. So if you're Nigerian you should be optimistic, because you'll always have that violently orange, potentially unhealthy bottle of carbonated awesome to chase all your worries away. I really should stop all of this free advertising, but I'm feeling generous, and that's a thousand thousand times better than feeling lecherous.

So On y Va! Let's go! Gather your horses and bunch up your panties, because this one is all about the AMVCA's and the AMVCA nominees cocktail party. No. Don't be funny, I wasn't nominated, but as I'm a very important someborri, I was there.

Eventing tip 101: Before you worry about how you're going to get in, make your way there!

I, Afam, the arcane aspiring celeb, was invited! Well, I was invited to the main thingy piggy, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.  Let me just tell you that it is not a small boy thing to be invited! Were you invited? No? I rest my case. You want to be throwing shade when you can't even get past the first bouncer? SIT DOWN THERE!

That's the invitation. It wasn't a particularly special one. It only allowed me to go to the show, but not the after party, or the nominees cocktail thingy thigh. Anyway you look at it, it's still a step up from last year. 

Cobhams and I last year. The thing I found amazing about meeting him, was that he recognised me like 6 hours after that picture was taken, and that's extraordinary. He's blind, but he has a sense for people. Vimbai once told me that he described her perfectly from touching her face! I was taking some pictures of him while he was doing his soundcheck and I said something. I can't remember what I said, but he said, "Oh hi Afam! We met this morning right?" I very nearly shat myself. I was like, "Oh so you're a brilliant musician and a wizard?!" I kid. I didn't think that exactly. 

Last year I got to go because Vimbai, the great, smuggled me in as her personal blogger. I didn't mind that, but sometimes it's nice to know that you're on someone's guest list. You can't always be a gate crasher. It isn't nice and some people would go so far as to say that it isn't polite. I have Noble Igwe, and the lads of Style Vitae to thank for the honour. Hopefully, I'm just as relevant next year, but, if I'm not, that will be that. Life's a little like that you know. You're in vogue today, and tomorrow, you're kind of not. It's the way of the world. I didn't mind my plebeian invitation because I didn't need one. I had an All Access Pass. 

Yass! Afam for the win. Afam will put everyone else in the bin. 

That's a step up too. It's got my name on it! Imagine that? Me, Afam, homeboy of yesterday! I was beyond stoked. It'll be a fine addition to my collection. I got that one because I work for Stargist, Africa Magic's daily entertainment show. It isn't the easiest gig I've ever had, but I'm trying. The demands of the job are extensive, and I'm not used to being creative on demand. 

My AMVCA 2015 experience started from the nominee cocktail on the day before the ceremony. Just so that you know, this is the actual beginning of the story. Shut up! I can't be direct to save my life, so I've come to the conclusion that directness is a bad thing. What? What? You disagree? Eat your shoe my friend! Are you paying my salary? No? Then, Allow me to be great! Afam for the win! Afam will put everyone else in the bin. Afam is the winningest winner in the land of winning! Hip hip hurray! Yippie Kai Yay! Yay!

That's DJ Sosei and Stephanie Coker. Stephanie and I have history. I was eventing one time and she refused to pose for a picture, so I took a picture of a black screen and tagged it as a picture of her. It was borderline rude, but I found it funny at the time. I'm glad that her sense of humour let her laugh it off. If she'd been offended things would have been difficult. Dj Sosei was wearing a Sisiano somtin. It's like a black version of the KKK uniform. 

Stephanie and I. Eeesh, I have to stop writing for a Nigerian audience. You guys are great and all but what happens when you're not from here, and you don't know who the who Stephanie Coker is. Don't worry, I'm not an orphan. Papa Afam and Mama Afam and Dami, made me well. Stephanie's this awesome media personality in Africa. She works for MTV base, most of the time, but on that day, she was with Africa Magic. I don't know what aspect she was shooting for exactly, but she did well. She's fun peoples. 
And that's Vimbai and I. Vimbai's one of the Executive Producers of Stargist and a Presenter on the show as well. She's very good. She's my boss, so you won't catch me dead being even remotely critical. What I will say is that she's one of the reasons why I think you should be diligent in whatever you do. Life butters your bread through the people you meet. I met her on a red carpet in 2013. I was as excited as an idiot. She was so foreign and her accent was so so exotic. I couldn't help but trail her with my camera. I was like Vimbai look here, and Vimbai look there! Pout for me, pop that booty for me, smile for me, dance for me! Not like that! Like that! When I wrote the blog, I tagged her in it, and now I work with her on an international show. Anyway, you look at it, it's brilliant! 
Let's take a minute for a brief flashback! Stop it! You know you didn't expect this blog post to be a quick read. Go long or go home I say!! Go home! Or you can stay! Yes Afamzers! Be energised! 

And we're back to real time!!! I don't like it when people shade her unnecessarily! Nigerians are the actual worst! I mean what the devil is wrong with you lot! When I read tweets like, "I don't think I can ever like so so and so" my blood rises till it fills my brain with acid! Can you imagine? Never dislike anyone without cause!

And this is me with Wole Ojo. I think he would benefit from my barber's obvious skill. I mean look at me! I am shining! From now on, I declare that you must call me Afam Handsome, because, in my opinion, I am handsomer than dude on the left. And check out that man cleavage! That's how to stay up all night to get lucky. I didn't get lucky. Luck is difficult to catch when Papa Afam is your landlord. The man will evict me so fast! So fast! What I can't say is whether or not he'll disown me first. :(. Wole's actually a pretty great chap. 
Ah! My Afamzers the spirit of jollification was strong in me, so I made my way inside to do a little dance with a fine sexy someborri. Sometimes, dancing alone is nice, but these days, I want to feel the heat with somebody! You don't have to love me. Whitney Houston was far too demanding in that song. I mean, how can you go to a party and expect to find love? Are you a learner? If you decide that somebody is your number one in a night club, then revise that opinion with immediate alacrity.

I strode in like a sex machine! My manvage (man cleavage- keep up! keep up!) was out, my loafers were shining, and my trousers were rolled up. I was ready. As I surveyed the terrain, my heart fell a bit when I saw OC the greatest Ukeje that ever lived. He was having such a good time, and I wasn't yet. I don't like it when people look like they're having a better time than me. 

Brief aside. OC is a great actor. He has a knack for being completely natural on camera. He isn't the actor that tries to play the best friend, he is the best friend. I'm not washing. I would tell anybody this. Can you not see him dancing by himself, and having the time of his life? My friends, it is not easy to dance by yourself. Also married brothers, this is the way to do it. Do not let yourself be tempted by spiritual horniness. Do you see any ladies around him? A wise man does not tempt temptation. This is how married men should be acting in clubs. 

For some reason, I don't quite like selfieing with guys, but for IK, I didn't even think about it. I saw the man and I made a pact with myself. I said, "AFAM!!! Sell your market! Take that Selfie with this man. The Lord turned his fish to caviar, so when you capture yourselves on that selfie cam, some of that good fortune will FLY into your body and your future will be great." 

Now would be a good time, to pray for the greatness of my future. If you want prayer points, I can give you, but I won't do it here. My enemies read this blog even more than my friends. I refuse to give them material that they'll use to send my name to the village. 

Non-Nigerians, if somebody sends your name to the village be very afraid. It means that they've attached your name to the broom of a witch, or the shirt of a spirit. And that between the hours of two and four am everyday, people with a monumental case of the your life is better so therefore I want it syndrome will attack you in your dreams. It's particularly bad if you fall asleep between two and four. This is why if I'm up at two, I do everything in my power to not fall asleep till four. 

Yosh! And that's it for the AMVCAs nominations party. I should be back this evening for the rest of it. 

Happy Days, 

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